What does Demisexual mean?
YOU might have heard of the word in passing, but do you know what it means to be demisexual?
The term refers to how someone experiences sexual attraction – and for demisexuals, it’s all about building a connection before a sexual spark could even come into the equation.
The word – which is described as someone needing an emotional bond before developing attraction – often falls into the discussion around asexuality.
It was reportedly first coined in 2006, before becoming more common from 2008 onwards.
However, as is the case with any sexual orientation, there’s room for interpretation, so therefore each demisexual will feel slightly different.
Read on to find out more about how the term came about and what makes it stand out from the crowd.
What does demisexual mean?
The term demisexual relates to a person’s sexual orientation and how some only develop sexual feelings once they have formed a closer bond with another person.
To delve into it deeper, verywellmind.com uses the example of meeting someone at a coffee shop for the first time.
They say: “For instance, they may not feel sexually attracted to a person they randomly see at a coffee shop.
“But if they were to start talking to that person and form an emotional connection, they might then become sexually attracted over time.”
The phrase dates back to 2006 when it was first used on a Asexual Visibility & Education Network forum post when people were discussing asexuality.
According to a BBC article, users of the forum began to speak in new terms and some said that while they’d previously identified as ‘asexual’ – having no sexual attraction – they spoke of unique instances when they could experience that kind of relationship.
Since it has become a more commonly used term, some demisexuals have spoken openly about their experiences.
A 24-year-old demisexual called Kayla Kaszyca told the BBC: “I think the word [demisexuality] is definitely more out there and known.
“But the proper definition might still be unclear to a lot of people.”
She added that a common misconception that demisexuals face is that most people feel that way.
Kayla continued: “Someone might tell you, ‘Isn’t everyone like that?’”
If they were to start talking to that person and form an emotional connection, they might then become sexually attracted over time
How do I know if I’m demisexual?
To understand demisexuality and whether it could be something you identify with, it’s important to draw a clear distinction.
While it is not uncommon for people to want to have an emotional connection with a sexual partner and this is something that often develops over time, it is not something that is always required.
However, for a demisexual, it is absolutely non-negotiable and they cannot feel attracted to people that they haven’t got to know on a deeper, more personal level.
Once again Verywellmind uses the common concept of crushes.
They state: “For example, a demisexual person wouldn’t find themselves attracted to a famously “sexy” celebrity or even a classically attractive person on the street.
“In other words, they tend not to feel that same intensity or longing the way others might.”
And, according to Dr. Margaret Seide, a board-certified psychiatrist and faculty member at New York University: “If you are only drawn to someone after you get to know their personality, their life story, and trust that person, you may be a demisexual.”
A demisexual person wouldn’t find themselves attracted to a famously “sexy” celebrity
What’s the difference between demisexual and sapiosexual?
It’s also essential to determine how demisexuality is different from other sexual orientations, like sapiosexuals.
For a sapiosexual, intelligence is of the utmost importance.
The online dictionary defines sapiosexuality as “a person who finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.”
This is different from a demisexual, who doesn’t require that same intelligence to form the bond in the first place.
However, experts have spoken about the link between the two.
Dr. Margaret Seide continued: “Intelligence is a quality that can be known from a distance by that person’s accomplishments
“But intelligence is also potentially an endearing and alluring quality that can form the basis for warmth and bonding.
“So, being a sapiosexual and demisexual [are] not the same, but not entirely separate.”