8 expert-approved tips my partner and I used to navigate a rough patch and transform our relationship
Rebecca Strong/Insider
- Even partners in healthy relationships will likely experience a rough patch from time to time.
- Clear communication, prioritizing time together, and finding positives about each other can help.
- If you have trouble working through issues on your own, a couples counselor can offer more support.
When my now-fiance Bryan and I bought a home together at the beginning of the pandemic, neither of us had lived with a partner before — and we found ourselves arguing about everything from conflicting sleep schedules to differing needs for alone time.
The more we fought, the more I wondered whether our relationship had just hit some temporary speed bumps — or if we were somehow incompatible.
But rough patches, which might involve arguing more often or simply feeling disconnected from your partner, happen in even the healthiest relationships, couples therapists say. What's more, you can use these phases as an opportunity to hone in on areas of your relationship that need attention, which can ultimately strengthen your bond.
As for Bryan and me, it took a concerted effort on both our parts to improve our communication habits. Still, we managed to not only survive the transition but actually thrive, due to our renewed understanding and appreciation for each other.
1. Ask for what you need
Most problems in a relationship stem from unmet needs, such as feeling like your partner:
To put it simply, relationship difficulties don't always mean you need to break up. To navigate them, you can try these expert-approved techniques that Bryan and I found helpful during our rough patch.
- Doesn't validate your emotions
- Isn't physically intimate as often as you'd like
- Shows little appreciation or gratitude for the sacrifices you make
Identifying any unmet needs can help you and your partner get on the same page when working toward change, according to Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist in private practice and creator of Mental Drive.
One way to identify your needs involves asking yourself, "What makes me feel most loved and cared for in this relationship?"
Maybe that's when:
- Your partner shows you a lot of physical affection
- They do things to make your life easier
- They tell you how they feel about you
You can also use your emotions as a guide. For instance, if you often feel lonely, that might suggest you're not getting enough quality time with your partner.
2. Communicate using "I" statements
One useful approach I've learned involves communicating my needs with a statement that starts with "I" rather than "you."
For example:
- Instead of saying: "You never tell me when you're working late. You obviously don't care about keeping me in the loop."
- I'd say instead: "I feel frustrated when you don't tell me you need to stay late at work, and it would mean a lot if you could keep me updated so I know when you're coming home."
The "you" statement sounded like an accusation — and even though I didn't mean it that way, it ended up putting Bryan on the defensive.
When I tried the "I" statement, Bryan found it easier to empathize with my perspective and make a pledge to keep me informed in the future.
3. Schedule quality time
Scheduling date nights at least once or twice a month can help infuse a sense of curiosity, joy, and excitement into your relationship, according to Omar Ruiz, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of TalkThinkThrive and Online Private Practice.
Going on regular dates helped Bryan and me remember why we enjoyed being around each other.
For instance, one time he took me candlepin bowling. I struggled to have fun at first because I was self-conscious about my lack of skill, but he cheered me on and guided me with gentle suggestions, which reminded me of his encouraging and supportive nature.
Keep in mind that date night doesn't have to mean dinner at an expensive restaurant, either. Due to a tight budget, we got creative and came up with other fun but affordable things to do, like:
- Park picnics
- Bike rides through the city
- Local sunset hikes
- Homemade pizza nights
- Mini golfing
- Apple picking
- Playing board games
4. Refocus on the positives
When you hit a rough patch, it's easy to start viewing your relationship through a negative lens. It may feel difficult to identify anything positive about a struggling relationship, but Heard says finding a few bright spots can shift your whole perspective.
Bryan and I tried these two exercises:
- Listing five traits we love and appreciate about each other and then reading them out loud.
- Sending a text every morning for a week thanking each other for something. We texted things like, "I really appreciate that you did the dishes last night," or "I'm so grateful you were there to listen to me vent about my job the other day."
Focusing on the positive aspects of our relationship gave us renewed motivation for working through a tough time.
5. Practice responding rather than reacting
According to Klapow, it's hard to solve an argument when you react rather than respond. Here's how to tell the difference:
- Reacting is a reflexive, subconscious defense mechanism often triggered by your emotions.
- Responding is conscious and deliberate. It happens after you've taken time to process a situation and consider the consequences of how you handle it.
When Bryan and I began noticing our tendency to react, we started to break the habit by taking a few deep breaths, verbalizing our internal experiences, and then getting curious about our feelings.
For example, one time he made a joke about how I organized a cabinet. In the past, I might've reacted defensively, but instead, I tried something new.
I told him, "Wow, something about the way that landed on me felt upsetting. I think it's because it reminds me of something my mother used to say when criticizing me. Can you explain what you meant by that?"
My response gave him a chance to understand my feelings and clarify his intentions — before I reacted out of hurt, shame, or anger.
6. Take a time out when fights escalate
One major technique that saved me and Bryan from spiraling into unhealthy fights? Consciously pausing to calm down.
For me, recognizing the physical symptoms of fight or flight mode — like a faster heart rate — was key, because it allowed me to take a step back before I raised my voice or said something I later regretted.
To be clear, a time-out doesn't mean storming out of the room in the middle of an argument.
Heard advises saying something like, "I don't think I can give this conversation the energy it deserves right now," or "I'm feeling really triggered by this conversation." Then, you can let your partner know you need 20 minutes or an hour to calm down before revisiting the discussion.
After pressing pause, Ruiz recommends engaging in a soothing activity to take your mind off the conflict, such as:
- Taking a long walk while listening to music or a podcast
- Practicing yoga
- Watching an episode of your favorite comedy
- Taking a warm bath
7. Connect with a professional
If you and your partner have tried all of the above and still struggle to meet each other's needs, have productive disagreements, or find ways to compromise, Klapow says it might be time to seek help from a couples counselor.
Licensed marriage and family therapists and clinical social workers can help you identify and change unhelpful dynamics and patterns contributing to tension in your relationship
According to Heard and Klapow, some of the best evidence-based therapy approaches for couples include:
- Emotionally focused therapy, which focuses on developing trust, improving communication, and creating a more secure bond in a relationship.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on identifying and changing the negative thought patterns that drive your actions and behavior.
- The Gottman Method, which focuses on increasing intimacy, respect, and empathy in the relationship and helping couples better navigate conflict
- Imago relationship therapy, which focuses on unpacking how your childhood traumas affect your current relationship — and then engaging in dialogues with your partner that foster compassion and understanding.
If you can't afford or access therapy at the moment, Klapow and Heard recommend trying the following books that contain exercises to try at home:
- "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
- "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships"
You also have options for virtual counseling, or teletherapy, which often proves more budget-friendly. Online couples counseling services to consider include:
While Bryan and I considered therapy, we still have yet to try it ourselves. That said, we enjoyed doing the relationship-building exercises on the app Lasting.
8. Know when it's time to move on
With equal effort from both partners, most relationships are salvageable.
That said, Ruiz says you may want to consider ending a relationship if:
- Your partner shows no willingness to change or interest in finding compromises.
- Your partner refuses to respect your boundaries.
- Your partner engages in physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse.
Insider's takeaway
Rough patches are almost inevitable in relationships. However, if you approach them as an opportunity for learning and growth, they may bring you and your partner even closer.
"Much like building a muscle, the ability to safely navigate a breakdown builds the relationship up stronger," Klapow says.
Working on responding as opposed to reacting, pressing pause during heated conflicts, carving out quality time with each other, and focusing on positive aspects of our relationship helped Bryan and me to get through a challenging time.
Not only that, but our efforts taught us more about each other's triggers, fears, insecurities, and needs.
If these techniques don't make much difference in your relationship, experts advise getting some extra support from a licensed couples therapist.