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Frumpy Mom: Yes, I got one of those phone calls again

Frumpy Mom: Yes, I got one of those phone calls again

Some of you may remember an event that occurred this summer, which consisted of my son in his car defying the elements and sailing down a 200-foot embankment in his Toyota Corolla while on the way home from a vacation in Zion National Park.

Miraculously, the kid managed to survive the accident just fine with only a couple of cracked vertebrae and a lot of bruises. The highway patrolman said he was lucky that all four airbags deployed and that he was wearing his seat belt.

The car was not so lucky, but in situations like this, you really don’t care. You’re just glad your kid is alive. He was able to come home two days later, after demanding 14 Burger King burgers in a row. I rented a car for a mere $380 for one day, and drove him home from lovely St. George, Utah.

Now, that was at the end of June. So, basically, it was two entire months before I got “the call” again. The call you really don’t want to get. The one that asks you if you are the mother of Cheetah Boy Fisher.

Trust me, this is never a good call. No one is ever calling to tell you he won the lottery. You get this call to inform you that your third-grader just used the hand dryer to blow up the school bathroom and you “would be responsible for all the damages.”

This is the call you get to inform you that your kid was out past curfew, and you have to get out of your nice cozy pajamas and go fetch him at the police station.

This is the call you get from the ER nurse when your kid has been in a terrible accident.

So, yeah, that happened. Again. At 10:30 at night.

After Cheetah Boy’s car was wrecked, I lent him the money to buy a motor scooter, so he could get to class and to work. This seemed like a good idea at the time, because, honestly, the kid has nine lives.

He was once hit by a car while riding one of those “fixie” bicycles — the ones with no brakes. He went sailing over the handlebars and the cops came, but he walked away, just fine.

But buying this scooter was a mistake. See, a few hours after he went to the Dodgers game with a friend and his friend’s mom, he was hit on the way home by a hit-and-run driver and pretty much left splattered all over the road. Thank heavens he had a full-face helmet on, so none of his brains were among the splattered items.

And get this: He broke nearly every bone in his body — but his iPhone was just fine. 

Despite engaging in nearly every adventure sport known to man, from snowboarding to jumping out of airplanes, my son had never broken a single bone. I was starting to think he was a bionic man.

Um, no. Apparently, he just decided to break all his bones at once. OK, kidding, there were a few bones that were left intact. I think his little toe is OK.

But he’s been in the hospital for two weeks, and he’s not going anywhere any time soon. It’s difficult for Cheetah Boy to lie in a hospital bed all day long when he’s used to being out and about all the time.

Yesterday was his first attempt to transfer himself into a wheelchair and he succeeded, even though he has a broken shoulder on one side and a broken wrist on the other.

On a related note, please allow me to describe to you how to get records from the Long Beach Police Department:

You can call up the records department, as my son did, and be informed that you have to somehow magically be transported from your hospital bed in order to stand in line at the main police department, then sign paperwork and, then — after all that — they’ll mail you the police report for your accident.

No, you can’t just order it online, even though it is a public record subject to the state public records act. But you can cry, which is what my son did after getting that news. I called back and told the records clerk that my son was in the hospital and couldn’t come in person to get the police report. Well, then, apparently, I’m supposed to drive 10 miles to the hospital and stand in line there, to get a letter from the hospital stating that my son can’t come himself so I’m authorized to go to the police station and stand in line for him.

To get a public record that (and follow me here), by law, I should just be able to walk up and ask to look at any time I want.

I didn’t have to do that, though. Because we got a call from a lawyer. Who apparently already had the preliminary police incident report. Because apparently lawyers can get this information on their computers, whereas the actual victims cannot.

So the lawyer is giving us the police report, which he’s entitled by the city of Long Beach to get whenever he wants. Unlike the actual victims.

When we get the police report, we’ll have more of an idea of what happened. Meanwhile, feel free to send Cheetah Boy a burger. That’s all he ever wants to eat.

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