Teen Botox ban is great but will our perennial quest for beauty kill us?
AGED 29, back in those halcyon days of collagen and a jawline, I had Botox for the first time.
Ten years on, it requires industrial amounts of the stuff — a literal, actual poison — to keep me looking the right side of breathing.
Another ten years and God knows what I’ll resemble — something akin to Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her, probably.
So it’s great, albeit long-overdue, the Government is preparing to ban anyone under 18 having Botox or fillers for cosmetic purposes.
Now Nadine Dorries, Minister of State for Mental Health, Suicide Prevention and Patient Safety, has admitted to dabbling with the stuff in an effort to stay young. (Which just goes to prove politics is no longer showbusiness for ugly people). Nadine, a former nurse, is 64.
Proof of age
Writing over the weekend, she revealed: “In the past, I have used Botox. I’ve never been aggressive with it, but I didn’t see any harm. Holding back the years is fine once you get to a certain age.”
She’s right. Yet a recent poll showed that 80 per cent of girls have considered using surgical procedures, with the primary reason being to improve their self-confidence.
Terrifyingly, around 41,000 procedures were carried out on under-18s last year.
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Terrifyingly, around 41,000 procedures were carried out on under-18s last year. But from October 1, anyone illegally treating someone under age will face prosecution.
Clinics will be required to request proof of age before shoving the muscle-paralysing toxin into a young person, or plumping up their lips with filler. But is it too little, too late? Take Love Island.
Rightly or wrongly, the ITV2 show has become a cultural phenomenon, perhaps because it is staggering how a singular show has produced so many identikit women.
Put the females from the past five series in a line-up and I defy anyone to differentiate, or name, any of them. The most recent series outdid itself — dubbed “Hitler Youth Island” for the casting of so many blondes.
ITV bosses were accused of “aping the dictator’s worship of the Aryan race” as blonde after blonde appeared pouting on screen.
The long-term side-effects of injectables aren’t known, largely on account of them not being around when cavemen were roaming.
Clemmie Moodie
At the risk of sounding older than Methuselah, young girls today are encouraged to look the same: High, smooth foreheads, cat-like eyes, giant grouper fish lips.
Individuality is discouraged, uniformity wholly encouraged. Teenage girls look 30. Forty- year-olds look 30. Basically everyone looks around 30, give or take a few years. And absolutely everybody looks “done”.
The first time I got penetrated by a little prick it didn’t especially hurt.
It was for a feature I was writing entitled “How To Live Like Gwyneth Paltrow”, and largely involved lots of Gwynethy things like kale smoothies, vampire facials and cupping. Obviously, at that age, I didn’t need Botox (real name Botulinum toxin).
Six months later, convinced I was developing crow’s feet, I re-booked — this time I didn’t have the excuse of an article. I’ve been going back, to the same lovely chap on London’s Harley Street, ever since. Yeah, yeah — I ought to get my money back, before some cad on Twitter says it.
But in all seriousness, who knows what damage I’m doing. The long-term side-effects of injectables aren’t known, largely on account of them not being around when cavemen were roaming the Earth.
According to a 2011 study, dermal fillers can cause “blindness, facial collapse, herpes or blue-tinged flesh” – which gives that added Russian Roulette twist to treatment, I suppose.
Back in the day, Georgians caked their faces in lead-based whiteners, which could leave the users deaf, infertile . . . or dead. Three and a bit centuries on, clearly we’ve learned nothing.
Fake tan may have replaced lead — and no one, thankfully, has little brown stumps for teeth any more — but is our perennial quest to stay uniformly “beautiful” still killing us? Only time will tell.
KATIE’S ANIMAL CURSE
DR Dolittle, she ain’t. Katie Price’s animal jinx continues apace with the news her beloved horse, Wallis, is ill, forcing her to pull out of a festival over the weekend.
Nine months ago almost 8,000 people signed a petition demanding the glamour model never be allowed to own a pet again.
According to the petition: “Horses, dogs, cats, lizards, a hedgehog [die]; this isn’t a single family tragedy. It’s a common thing in Katie Price’s home.”
Last summer, French bulldog puppy Rolo suffocated to death after getting stuck under an electric armchair. Previously, German Shepherd Queenie was killed in an alleged hit and run by a pizza delivery driver.
And her beloved Alsatian, Sparkle, escaped (who can blame it?) – promptly getting run over somewhere along the A24. One of her horses, name unknown, also made a bid for freedom, ultimately sharing a similar fate to poor dead Sparkle. (Again on the A24.)
The star’s son’s chameleon, Marvin, died from a “broken heart” after being left alone with Katie for the summer, while her guard dog broke into next door’s garden and hoovered-up the family’s pet chickens.
Two years ago, Peggy the hedgehog did her utmost to break free. The poor creature got lost in Katie’s “mucky mansion” for two weeks before eventually being found. Her current status is not known.
Someone, please, call the RSPCA.
Laura’s a bit rich
LOVE Island host Laura Whitmore, evidently a graduate from the same school of hypocrisy as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, left fans fuming during the show’s reunion episode.
The presenter who recently branded a journalist who politely asked the name of her daughter “vile”, asked Lillie Haynes “disrespectful” questions regarding Jack Grealish.
One of them concerned the footballer previously “liking” Lillie’s photos… despite Laura having hit out at paparazzi.
TBH, it’s a game show, the contestants all signed up and Laura was perfectly entitled to ask what millions of viewers had been thinking.
It’s just a bit rich coming from a millionaire model who would sooner lose a limb than answer such vacuous questions herself.
KID JAB REBELS
VACCINES minister Nadhim Zahawi reckons kids should be allowed to overrule their parents should they disagree about getting the Covid jab.
Which is all very well, and very Human Rights Act-ty, but how many 13-year-olds do you know who wouldn’t rebel against their mum and dad given half the chance?
POOR OLD HER MAJ
THE poor Queen really has had a pretty crappy 12 months.
First her grandson, desperate to fade into obscurity, goes on to Oprah and brands the Royal Family “racist”, shortly before her beloved husband, Philip, dies.
Now a new film, Spencer – which sees American actress Kristen Stewart playing the late Princess Diana – shows the already hard-done-by monarch portrayed less than flatteringly.
Or, as one movie critic put it: “The Queen (played by Stella Gonet) looks like she’s been stuffing herself with steroids.” Which, unless HM, 95, is trying to smash a bench-press PB, I very much doubt she is.
GMB's most surreal TV moment
FROM jihadis to jeeps, most surreal TV moment of the week goes to Susanna Reid and Ben Shephard.
The Good Morning Britain hosts earnestly, and somewhat surreally, interviewed the Taliban… before cutting to Andi Peters with the daily competition: “Text xxxx to win a Range Rover!”
WFH IS OFFICE JOKE
IT’S been 18 months now. And STILL people are reluctant to return to the workplace.
Increasing numbers of entitled millennials are citing the need for a better “work/life balance”, while older, middle-class white collar workers – who have undoubtedly benefitted more than any other demographic from crippling lockdowns – are far too comfy in their Ugg slippers to bother coming back to work any time soon.
It means offices remain sterile, lacking in camaraderie, gossip and laughter – the very oxygen of any workplace.
Ideas, the life-blood of any business, simply can’t be bounced around on Zoom as they can face to face – like they did it in the olden days*.
A report in the FT suggests some City companies are now offering “yoga, DJs and cash” in an effort to tempt employees back to their ergonomic chairs.
Legal firm Clifford Chance has been working with a psychologist to “help staff prepare emotionally and physically” for their return.
Offices remain sterile, lacking in camaraderie, gossip and laughter – the very oxygen of any workplace.
Clemmie Moodie
Jesus.
Given that doctors, nurses, delivery drivers, Tube, train and bus drivers and the majority of key workers have been slogging away on the front line for no extra pay, and certainly no yoga, privileged office workers – who have saved a small fortune on commuting – need to get a grip. And sharpish.
*Pre-March 2020.