‘The Bachelor’ Recap: All hell has broken loose

Peter has thrown all rules out the window, and it’s a lawless wasteland.

We at SB Nation realize The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

The creators of The Bachelor have no respect for our time or sanity, choosing to air not only TWO episodes this week (the second of which airs Wednesday night) but also making Monday night’s episode THREE DAMN HOURS. Granted, that is still shorter than trying to watch The Irishman in one sitting, but still ... it’s a LOT of crying and yelling.

We pick up where last week’s episode left off: the ladies squabbling in Cleveland about the dramatic return of Alayah. If you recall, Alayah showed up during the evening portion of last week’s football group date despite being sent home the week before. Doe-eyed doofus Peter — in an attempt to make a grand gesture — not only brought the contentious Alayah back into the house, HE GAVE HER THE GROUP DATE ROSE. FOR A DATE SHE DIDN’T GO ON.

Well, I hope you didn’t get too re-attached, because by 8:10 p.m. ET, Peter once again shipped the former beauty queen off to the land of Instagram sponsorships in a nondescript black SUV.

Farewell, sweet (and conniving) Alayah. You will be missed (again).

By attempting to put a Band-Aid (sending Alayah home) on this sucking chest wound (bringing her back in the first place), the women learned a couple of things about Peter the rest of us already knew:

• He can be easily manipulated.
• He has no idea what he’s doing.

For the rest of the Rose Ceremony, Peter just took turns making out with everyone in between apologizing for being a wishy-washy waffler. After eliminating three ladies, our aviator beau took the 12 remaining women to Costa Rica. Farewell, sweet Cleveland, we’ll miss you.

One-on-one with Sydney

Here’s a quick recap:

• Helicopter ride by a volcano
• Picnic
• Making out
• Talking over dinner
• Making out
• Making out

I’m pretty sure you could guess, but Sydney got the rose.

Group date

Shiann, Kelsey, Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy, and Mykenna were all selected for the group date, leaving Kelley to get the other one-on-one. Cosmopolitan’s editor in chief met the group to tell them they’d be shooting for their March issue, which once again seems like an unfair advantage for the actual models in the group.

Victoria F. “won” the date by being selected to pose with Peter for the cover shoot (shortly after the episode aired, Cosmo announced it was pulling the cover after photos started circulating online of Victoria modeling “White Lives Matter” merchandise), Hannah Ann “won” the evening by getting the group date rose, and we the audience “won” nothing because we listened to more pointless arguing.

This time, the debate revolved around Kelsey. When Sydney got the first one-on-one date of the week, Kelsey took it very personally (reminder: Kelsey got a solo date literally last episode). It was a real up-and-down night for our professional clothier as she told Peter she was falling in love with him (reminder: we’re like five episodes in) and got called emotionally unstable by Tammy.

One-on-one with Kelley

This is the first real interaction between Lawyer Kelley and Pilot Peter since the first couple episodes, and, woo boy, this was a fun one.

So here’s the thing: I like Kelley. She’s no-bullshit, she’s mature, and rather than gushing over Peter and having superficial conversations disguised as meaningful dialogue, she — wait for it — tells him what is actually going on!

After an actual discussion at dinner (where she calls him out over rewarding the drama) Kelley accepts the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Kelsey, concerned about her standing with Peter after the group date, sneaks off to his house to talk. She tells him that Tammy has been questioning whether she has a substance abuse problem (YIKES, Tammy), then cries some more. He feels sorry for her, they make out, and he ... gives her a rose! Let’s see how excited the women were about this:

ABC

Here’s the thing: Peter has turned our formulaic reality escape into a lawless wasteland. He repeatedly rewards dramatic behavior with rogue roses (Alayah, Kelsey), and his naive ass unknowingly dumps gunpowder onto the blazing tinderbox that is the group of women.

As a result of his discussion with Kelsey, Peter decides he has all the clarity he needs on the matter and forgoes the actual cocktail party.

Tammy, concerned about what Kelsey might have said about her, asks to speak to Peter before he hands out the first rose. Mykenna, angry she didn’t get the time she needed with Peter, INTERRUPTS TAMMY’S TIME THAT SHE ALREADY STOLE FROM THE ROSE CEREMONY.

It’s all just too much.

Best pun — Natasha

“She made her bed, and now she has to Alayah in it.”

EHHHHH. GET IT.

ABC

Worst. Injury. Story. Ever. — Peter’s golf cart incident

Peter rolls up to the resort sporting a new bandage above his eyebrow and regales the women with a tale about fighting a puma in the jungle. Unsurprisingly, they buy it. What really happened, though, is so perfectly stupid.

Apparently, Peter walked into a golf cart, causing him to duck and ram the glass he was holding into his head. HE HAD TO GET 22 STITCHES. Oh, sweet, sweet Peter. What are we going to do with you?

ABC

Worst best compliment — Best kisser

I mean, yes, everyone wants to be a good kisser. That’s an important thing in a relationship and there’s nothing much worse than dating (or being) a really bad kisser. However, when your date says you’re the best kisser OF ALL THE WOMEN HE’S CURRENTLY DATING, that’s a little weird.

So, congrats, Sydney. Your boyfriend thinks out of all his 11 other girlfriends, you’re the best.

Most confused as to what happens on this show — Kelsey

Wooo, sweetie, what are you even doing here? This show is not new. In fact, it’s been around in some form or fashion since 2002. One love interest, multiple suitors. Kelsey — who, as a reminder, spent the first few episodes crying over a saga of mistaken champagne bottles — repeatedly made tear-filled and anxious statements Monday about not wanting to share her man.

At one point, Tammy literally had to explain that he picks one person:

Tammy: I just wanted to check in that you’re OK ...

Kelsey: I’m just sad. Very, very sad.

Tammy: Sad that he’s dating other people?

Kelsey: Yeah!

Tammy: Yeah, it’s never an easy sight to see, but it is what we signed up for unfortunately.

Kelsey: I’ll never be OK with it.

Tammy: I know, but it’s only temporary. There’s an end at some point.

Kelsey: No, there’s never an end.

Tammy: Well, he has to pick one at some point.

The biggest snitch — Peter

It’s well-established at this point that if you share some drama with Peter, he will 1) immediately take it as gospel and 2) immediately tell the person involved that you were talking some shit.

While it makes for entertaining television, it completely flips the script on this show. Usually, the snitches get sent home. Now, the snitches get confronted because they’re immediately called out and forced to defend their actions.

Worst character arc — Tammy

Man, what a horrible episode for Syracuse Tammy. She has great facial expressions and is quote gold. At the start of the three-hour fiasco, she was a sympathetic character checking in with Kelsey to see how she was doing. By the end, she had accused Kelsey of pill-popping and being an alcoholic.

My goodness.

Look, Kelsey’s crying is a LOT (and this is coming from someone who cried multiple times during the Puppy Bowl) and her Week 1 meltdown over the champagne mix-up was undoubtedly ridiculous. But Tammy’s judgmental comments regarding Kelsey’s decision to to drink wine, along with her snarky, unfounded claims about pills (which turned out to be ADHD medicine and birth control) are just so gross.

Gone too soon

• Deandra
• Kiarra
• Savannah
• Shiann
• Lexi