I'm single and sober, but women seemed turned off by my booze-free lifestyle. How can I find love?
- Your conundrum brings up a pretty interesting point about how many people view alcohol as a necessity in social settings.
- Kelly Scott, a therapist at Manhattan-based Tribeca Therapy, told me that women who view your decision to drink as an immediate turn-off, rather than a point to consider or ask you more about, are likely not worth your time.
- To prevent negative reactions to your sobriety in the future, consider making your decision more explicit in your dating profile.
- Scott suggested asking yourself, "Where am I going to meet people who are like me?" so you can also date offline.
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I'm a 30 year-old-man and ever since leaving college, I've been sober (so, for nearly a decade).
In that time, I've found it difficult to meet women to date. The women I work with are all married, most with kids, so a workplace social group is almost out of the question. Years of swiping on apps have led nowhere since many women from apps have been turned off by my refusal to drink. And sadly, I am unable to play team sports due to a serious injury from childhood.
Any advice? I dread the thought of being the creepy guy who approaches random women in public, and asking coworkers or friends to set me up just feels too desperate.
- Tampa
Dear Tampa,
A date can be nerve-wracking enough with a few drinks involved, so I understand how frustrating it must be to have a personal choice be used against you when meeting someone new.
Your conundrum brings up a pretty interesting point about how many people view alcohol as a necessity in social settings. That common view, while not adopted by everyone, could explain why it's been so hard for you to date.
That doesn't mean it's OK for women to write you off because of your sobriety, but understanding that drinking and socializing go hand-in-hand for many may help you be a bit easier on yourself when the dating game gets rough.
Kelly Scott, a therapist at Manhattan-based Tribeca Therapy, told me that women who view your decision to not drink as an immediate turn-off, rather than a point to consider or ask you more about, are likely not worth your time.
"'Turned off' is a strong statement to make," Scott said. "They're saying they're not attracted to you because they don't like that you choose to change [or to not change] your consciousness the same way they do."
And honestly, do you really want to date someone who is unwilling to accept a personal choice that no doubt benefits your health and well-being? As horrible as hearing your choice is a turn-off may feel in the moment, having women tell you that could be a blessing in disguise.
"You're getting everything you need to know from them," Scott told me. "Keep it moving and be grateful that person showed their hand so soon."
A few proactive steps should help prevent dates gone wrong
To prevent negative reactions to your sobriety in the future, consider making your decision more explicit in your dating profile. It's not that you owe that information to others, but doing so could save you precious time, energy, and heartache because it will weed out other dating app users who have no interest in dating someone who is sober.
There are even dating apps, like Single and Sober, that could be worth trying out. Some platforms that aren't sober-specific also make it easy for you to denote your lifestyle, like Match.com.
Before you go on future dates, you should also do some self-reflection. Can you explain to yourself in a few sentences why you decided to quit drinking all those years ago, and continue to abstain from alcohol? Having that "why" ready can be helpful if a date is curious about your choice.
Also consider how you explain your sobriety to your dates. Could you be coming off as condescending when you deliver the news? Depending on your delivery, it's possible previous dates took your choice to mean you think you're superior to them. I know, it might sound silly, but checking how you frame your lifestyle, and stressing that it's a decision you've made for yourself and no one else, may help cushion the conversation.
After you've given your dating profiles a tweak, you can also give offline dating a go, without "creepily" approaching women in public. Scott suggested asking yourself, "Where am I going to meet people who are like me?" Even though you can't play sports, there are plenty of other places to meet singles with similar values and interests, like during volunteer work for a cause you're passionate about, or at a café.
And, for the record, I don't think asking coworkers or friends to set you up is "desperate." Rather, it's a free matchmaking service that comes vetted by people who care about you.
I wish I could say all of your future dates will be a breeze and you won't run into any jerks. Unfortunately, that's likely not the case. I can, however, tell you that anyone who says your lifestyle is a turn-off simply isn't the person for you.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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