Here at H&R Block, It’s Our Pleasure to Answer Your Questions About How We Funnel Your Tax Dollars Into the Gullet of the Great War Pig

How do I find my local H&R Block?
Enter your zip code on our website to find an H&R Block near you. Alternatively, just drive by any property that used to contain a Spirit Halloween.

Can I file my taxes online?
You can, but it hurts our feelings when you use our services without coming in to talk to us.

Fine. I’ll come in person. But what happens after my taxes are filed?
You will possibly receive a refund via direct deposit once your tax dollars are deposited into the steaming gullet of the Great War Pig.

I’m sorry, what?
The Great War Pig.

Is that his name or his job?
His name is unspeakable, though you know it in the rotten depths of your heart.

What does the Great War Pig do?
Whatever He wants. The Pig does not answer to man’s law, unless we remember that, in fact, he does. With hooves of iron, He treads upon the earth, breathing pestilence and supping upon the blood of the innocent. Mammon feeds Him tender apples, and Moloch rides astride His leathery back. Wrath and ruin lick the ground in His wake, where He leaves a trail of oil and the tears of keening mothers.

That sounds bad.
It is bad. While H&R Block does not endorse the activities of the Great War Pig, we must feed Him.

So, He just eats my money?
Technically, the delivery system is a loose groats-and-egg slurry, so He both eats and drinks your money.

Is that why eggs are so expensive right now?
Stop talking about eggs. We don’t want to hear any more about eggs.

What if we didn’t feed The Pig?
We must.

Can The Pig eat something else?
Once, we tried to feed Him a piece of cake from the break room. Marjorie lost her hand. She’s still trying to get workers’ comp.

Can anyone stop The Pig?
Yes.

Then why don’t they?
We must keep the Great War Pig fat and happy, though He can be stopped at any time. It is not for us at H&R Block to decide.

How do you sleep at night?
We don’t.

Can the Great War Pig be reasoned with?
The Great War Pig is beyond the boundaries of reason. The Pig snorts. A fly has landed upon His open eye, lolling and white as milk. He feels nothing.

So, my money goes to feed him no matter what?
It doesn’t have to, but it definitely will.

Is it me, or is it especially warm in here?
That is the breath of The Pig, hot and urgent on the back of your neck.

How will I sleep at night?
You won’t.