If You're Emotionally Exhausted From Your Relationship, It Might Be Marriage Burnout
Marriage burnout is a real thing — and it’s more common than people think, says Gabby Jimmerson, a couples and sex therapist based in Tennessee.
She defines marriage burnout as a “soul-deep kind of tired,” the kind that happens when “couples feel emotionally depleted,” whether that’s from lack of connection, unresolved conflict, unmet needs, or navigating betrayal. You can also think of it as a form of “emotional exhaustion,” adds sex and self-intimacy coach Angie Enger, noting that it can crop up during “high-pressure seasons” like raising young kids or caring for aging parents. “It’s that heavy feeling of ‘I just can’t do this anymore.'”
Marriage burnout is a combination of fatigue and unhappiness, deep dissatisfaction and exhaustion with your marriage, and it’s definitely a challenging experience for any couple. But the good news, both Enger and Jimmerson say, is that you can come back from marriage burnout. “It’s not necessarily a sign the marriage is over, but it’s a loud alarm that the current system is broken,” Enger says.
7 Signs and Symptoms of Marriage Burnout
Marriage burnout is that feeling of emotional exhaustion you get when you just don’t have the energy to try in your relationship anymore. According to Jimmerson and Enger, signs of marriage burnout can include:
- Feelings of apathy, hopelessness, or resentment
- Emotional numbness or indifference toward their partner
- Sometimes or frequently fantasizing about being alone
- Lacking the energy to fight or engage in conflict resolution
- Feeling dread about coming home and looking for excuses to be out of the house
- Viewing every interaction through a negative lens
- Lacking a true emotional connection or feeling “like roommates”
7 Ways to Heal Your Relationship from Marriage Burnout
“Getting out of burnout is absolutely possible,” Jimmerson says. “The hardest part is committing to doing something different—even when it feels uncomfortable—but that’s often what creates meaningful change.”
Not sure where to start? Jimmerson and Enger offered seven tips for working your way out of marriage burnout.
- Interrupt the cycle. Enger calls this the “full stop,” and recommends simply saying to your partner, out loud, “I don’t like how this feels and I want it to change.”
- Figure out what’s gone wrong. “Repairing marriage burnout starts with identifying what’s gone sideways,” Jimmerson says. Common patterns include “poorly managed or perpetual conflict (i.e. having the same fight over and over without getting anywhere), feeling unappreciated or unseen, or a chronic imbalance in responsibilities,” she explains.
- Get radically honest. “This starts with honesty to yourself,” Enger says. If you’re spiraling over something your spouse has said or done, she says, “ask yourself what the feeling underneath that complaint is.” Then, when talking about it with your partner, use “I” statements, like “I feel overwhelmed and lonely” instead of “You never help me.”
- Learn new ways to communicate. If you and your partner are in perpetual conflict that’s fueling your marriage burnout, Jimmerson says, you’ll need to learn new ways to communicate (like those “I” statements above). Working with a couples therapist can also help here.
- Compromise when you can. There’s often an imbalance of responsibilities in long-term relationships, as you and your partner get used to doing more or less of the chores and tasks around the house. If this issue is causing resentment and burnout, “it needs to be directly and respectfully addressed and renegotiated,” Jimmerson says, “which will likely require compromise.”
- Focus on positive moments. Sometimes burnout can result from a lack of appreciation or connection. If that’s the case, Jimmerson says, “couples can begin rebuilding by intentionally noticing and expressing positive moments,” intentionally shifting their mindset towards positivity instead of getting caught up in the negative.
- Celebrate “micro-wins.” Similarly, Enger says, it’s unrealistic to expect you’ll fix your whole marriage in a day. Instead, “Find one small thing you can enjoy together—a 10-minute walk, play a card game instead of watching tv, high five every morning—and keep it up for at least a week!” She often recommends couples start off with activities she describes as “tiny and stupid,” as small as skipping rocks together (yes, really).