Ask Your Asian Auntie: I’m frustrated with food on campus…
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Dear Auntie,
After two quarters at Stanford, I’ve gotten frustrated with the food options on campus. I miss home-cooking. The dining halls and fast food vendors can be heavy, greasy and cause me to become bloated and tired… (and struggle with bowel issues). What advice do you have to improvise with the options I have?
— Peckish at Potter
Dear Peckish,
Auntie is very sympathetic to your plight, even though, at Stanford University, the food is already better than many of the other schools in America. Especially whatever they are feeding their students at Yale University — I think it must be why they are sad all of the time. But you are correct. It is not easy to eat “outside food” every day.
Here are some of my suggestions for you, for what to eat when you are missing home.
- Steamed Spinach. As you know, cooking your vegetables makes them easier to digest (and will help with your unfortunate “bowel issues”…and help avoid the freshman fifteen). Consider taking the raw spinach from the salad bar and submerging it with hot water. You can even season it with soy sauce and sesame oil to make Sigeumchi-namul. Do not forget to create a lid to trap the steam, otherwise it will take too long to warm. And Auntie knows you already spend too much time in the dining hall chatting with friends, when there are so many readings to do.
- Microwaved Steamed Eggs. If you have a dining hall with a microwave and an egg-cooking station, congratulations! If the egg station is only open for your breakfast, consider talking to your chefs and asking why they do not wish joy upon you. But if your dining hall has eggs you can make dining hall Chawanmushi. Crack your eggs into a bowl. Then, microwave it covered with a plate for a minute and thirty seconds, or until the eggs are set—depending on the number of eggs you eat. Auntie does not care how many eggs you eat. You can be Gaston if you want.
- Egg Rice. If you have a dining hall with an egg-cooking station but no microwave, you should also have no fear. You can make a dish that every Asian person loves: egg rice. Cook the eggs as you would like them, and enjoy them with soy sauce, sesame oil, and chili oil over rice. It will remind you of being young and doing Kumon packets at your mother’s kitchen counter.
- Wash the food! Rinse all your food— especially the chicken— with hot water (this is very important! please do not use cold water—the water must be cooked) to remove the grease and salt. Your friends may think that you are strange, but Auntie would much rather look a little funny in public than be claimed as another victim to the oral-fecal vector of germ spread.
There is also a better solution to this problem. If you get a job, you will have a salary that you can use to buy food outside Stanford University. You deserve to treat yourself — to nutritionally rich and diverse meals, NOT to Molly Tea. Disposable income will help greatly with your problem. Or, finally get a boyfriend to take you out. (But Auntie sees the BookTok accounts you follow and knows it’s hopeless… she’ll never be great-Auntie.)
Also, please do not forget that Auntie lives in Palo Alto. Go to Hotel Nobu. Ask the nice man at the desk for the elevator code to see your “Auntie”. He will know what to do. I would be happy to meet you for dinner.
If you truly want home food, I can cook — only if you promise to help me wash the dishes afterward.
Good luck. Have some sliced apples (even a dining hall cannot mess this up), and all will be O.K.
Auntie
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