Dear Abby: Adult son continues to make his mom an emotional hostage
DEAR ABBY: My wife recently immigrated to our current residence in the U.S. from Canada. She has a 23-year-old son dealing with mental illness back in Canada. He refuses to remain in therapy or to hold a steady job, and he failed out of university.
My wife consistently lowers her expectations and continues to support him. As a result, he has grown comfortable with emotionally manipulating everyone in his family while wallowing in self-pity. He is no longer allowed into our home because of his disrespectful and violent behavior, but he continues to punish his mom for moving on with her life. When does this end? — GOING FORWARD IN TEXAS
DEAR GOING FORWARD: You and your wife have my sympathy. You both need a better way to cope with this sad reality. Her son is not going to change, and you cannot ignore him and pretend this will go away. Connecting with others who understand what you are going through can be an important source of support. An organization I have mentioned before in my column may guide you in the right direction. It's the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Find out more by visiting nami.org.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who comes to visit at my rural home. She's an alcoholic. My husband and I don't drink. Last time, she became so drunk that she was totally disoriented in my home. She couldn't find the bathroom or the bedroom. (We put her to bed.)
After she went home the next day, I stewed for a week and finally sent her a message that we could no longer host her, citing the reason as fear she would harm herself or others while driving here and possibly falling down my stairs, leading to a lawsuit.
I begged her to get help, and I messaged her son, asking if he could help her. Now, I have become the enemy! I have dealt with her for many years and watered down her alcohol every time she visited. Should we be done? — OVERDOSED ON HER IN WYOMING
DEAR OVERDOSED: Yes, you should be done — assuming she isn't already done with you. Your friend is an addict; she isn't going to change until she finds it absolutely necessary. You spoke the truth. Do not apologize for doing the right thing.
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I lost my husband of 38 years to cancer. We lived in Southern California all our lives and enjoyed sightseeing and driving up and down the coast often. A year ago, I met "Allen," to whom I am now engaged. I miss all my beautiful seaside drives and the places I used to go with my late husband. Is it wrong to do those things with my new love? My grown children look at me funny when I say I went someplace with Allen that I used to visit with their father. — MISSING MORE THAN THE MAN
DEAR MISSING: Ignore the children. I don't think this is a question of right or wrong as long as Allen enjoys those trips down memory lane as much as you do. However, it might also be nice for you and Allen to plan some new adventures so you can create new memories together.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)