A day in the life of an imbecile

I woke up very early yesterday. Maybe the earliest anyone has ever woken up. People are saying that. The alarm clock? TOTAL DISASTER. Very loud, very unfair. Still, I jumped out of bed feeling STRONG and feeling READY to take on the day!

Many people are saying that my daily life is absolutely INCREDIBLE. Maybe the greatest routine anyone has ever seen. The reason is because I plan it in advance with great care. That’s the secret of having the kind of success I have in my job. It’s just in my DNA.

Breakfast is amazing, but sometimes a challenge. Today, a long-term marriage is going to die unless my wife cooks my morning eggs with harder yokes. The runniness has got to stop. If it doesn’t, we are going to have COMPLETE and TOTAL SPOUSAL CHANGE. A more talented and focused woman will be required. I don’t want to do it, but 15 years of lousy eggs is forcing my hand. She understands why this must happen,

After coffee and several conversations with the most interesting beings on the planet – primarily my Chihuahua mix – column writing begins. It’s powerful stuff. Sharp, insightful, really incredible words. Some people say it’s among the best being done today. I don’t say that, the PEOPLE are saying it. Deadlines come in, very tough deadlines, but I meet them easily.

I write about the things no one else has the courage to. The impact is just unbelievable. No one has ever seen anything like it. The number of views is in the billions. I’m told that no one can count that high, quite frankly.

After I’m done with the column, I go out driving. Everyone looks at my 2019 Ford Fiesta with awe. They pull over to the side of the road with their mouths wide open, just staring, because they’re beyond impressed. They don’t see a man in a car. They see a hero in a piece of American ingenuity. Despite the assorted bumps and scratches, she’s a beauty. I say “she” because being in it makes me feel like I’m with a gorgeous woman. Every morning, I grab her by the steering wheel – if you catch my drift.

It's been a big day for saving money! I found gas for $5.89 a gallon. That’s super-cheap in California. Now that we have a ceasefire with Iran – it’s pronounced “E-ron,” by the way, not “I-ran,” I just learned that – it’s clear that I’ll be able to fill my tank far less expensively. No one can believe I paid so little. It’s beyond incredible. The owner of the station saw it was me and immediately dropped the price 20 cents. That’s respect, hades and gents.

Dropped by the post office to mail a package. Very busy. Lines? Long. But people noticed me. “GO AHEAD,” they insisted. “You deserve it.” I didn’t ask, but they forced me to. I think they recognized me from my interview 14 years ago on “The E! True Hollywood Story.” I was honored.

Came back home and had a chat with the wife about our egg DEBACLE (a new word I just learned, it means disaster). She told me that if I didn’t like her eggs, I could go lay them myself. So, I did. Delicious.

Then I turned on the TV. Maybe my favorite thing to do. Reruns of “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Tremendous. You know that Dick Van Dyke is still alive at 100 years old? That reminds me that my doctor told me I’m going to live until I’m at least 350. No one has longevity like me. Ever.

Went out to dinner. The maître d’ approached our table and said, “Sir, would you happen to be Ray Richmond of Raw Story?” “Yes,” I replied. “Well then,” he told me, “we can’t possibly take your money. You are my guest. Order whatever you want off the menu. It’s on the house.”

This is why I love being me. Every moment of every day, someone is honoring me just for being glorious. For example, yesterday I received a 10-point proposal from AT&T about my cellphone contract. By the time we were done, I was paying practically nothing for my monthly service – mostly because I don’t like to pay anyone anything and usually get away with it.

Speaking of that, I just did my taxes in advance of the April 15 deadline. Not that I care about a deadline, or taxes. The most American thing I do is making sure I don’t pay UNCLE SAM a SINGLE CENT! I see taxes as extortion. They can pry their STINKING tax money from my cold dead hands – that is, if I ever planned to die, which I don’t.

This is one reason why I so love being an American. The whole world loves us, loves the things we create, loves our freedom. Sometimes, they resent us for it, but I DON’T CARE. What I care about is me. I care about my bank account. I care about how my hair looks (perfect, as always). I care about the people who LIKE ME.

It’s a big responsibility to be so amazingly good at everything. But I love a good challenge. And I’m having WAY TOO MUCH FUN to worry about the losers. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.