I stayed home with my kids longer than I planned because of childcare costs. It didn't feel like I had much of a choice.

• I planned to return to work, but childcare costs made it unrealistic.
• Paying $4,000 a month for care didn't make financial sense for our family.
• I built a freelance career instead, but it didn't feel like a real choice.

Before having kids, I always assumed I'd go back to work.

I grew up in a household where both parents worked, so it seemed natural. My early years were spent in the care of relatives or day care. Once I started elementary school, I spent my afternoons in after-school care. But that was the 1980s, and childcare costs constituted around 7% of parental income per child. Now, that number has jumped to 10% for couples, and to 30% for single parents.

Most people don't know the true cost of childcare, and why would they? I certainly had no idea how many thousands of dollars it takes to enroll a child in day care until my husband, Zach, and I began planning a family of our own. And even then, we didn't look at those costs until I was several months into my pregnancy.

Once we understood what we were facing, our plans shifted.

We moved to make it easier for me to stay home

We were living in Charlotte, North Carolina, when we decided to start a family. I worked in nonprofit development, and Zach worked for a homebuilder. We lived comfortably and had even purchased our first home in a family-friendly neighborhood we loved.

Once I became pregnant and we started looking into childcare options, I felt that staying home, at least initially, would be best for our family. Not only were infant childcare costs around $2,000 a month, half my take-home salary at the time, but finding a childcare facility with availability near us was difficult.

Five months into my pregnancy, Zach had a job opportunity that took us back to California. We both had family in the Bay Area, including my parents, so moving to the Central Valley, a short two-hour drive away, seemed like the perfect place to welcome a new baby. It also came with a pay bump, making our plans to stay home more financially comfortable.

Moving across the country meant quitting my job and starting over in a new place where I knew no one. Still, it was a chance I was willing to take. And when the pandemic hit, five months after the birth of our first son, I was thankful to be home with him.

It became financially harder to return to a traditional work environment

After the first year, I began thinking about going back to work, at least part-time. I enjoyed being home with my baby, but I also missed interacting with other adults. But to do that meant finding a job that made childcare costs worth it, which proved more challenging than I thought. And when we decided to try for a second child, it didn't make sense to go back to work only to take leave again a few months later, so I stayed home.

After our second child was born, going back to work felt impossible. Having two non-school-age children meant the costs of care had doubled. Instead of paying $2,000 a month for full-time care, we'd be paying over $4,000 a month, something I couldn't justify. We managed to budget enough for our 3-year-old to attend preschool part-time to get more socialization, but even that cost a little over $1,100.

Aside from the costs of childcare, returning to work full-time meant adding other stresses to our lives. Who would stay home when the kids inevitably got sick? Who would take time off for doctor's appointments or school functions? Taking a new job meant starting over with benefits and PTO accrual. So, once again, I found myself weighing the benefits and deciding to wait until both kids were older and the burden didn't feel so immense.

I stopped waiting for the timing to be perfect and started working on my terms

When my youngest was around 2, I decided to look for remote work. I applied to countless jobs. I even had interviews, but in every case, they amounted to nothing. I constantly felt I had to explain my decision to stay home, as if leaving the workforce meant I couldn't return without apologizing for it. I felt frustrated and dejected that my capabilities seemed to be diminished by my stint at home. So, I built something of my own — a freelance writing career on my terms.

As I continue to care for my youngest, now enrolled part-time in preschool, and find balance in professional pursuits, I think about the cost of care and how many other parents find themselves in the same position I was in. I don't regret my decision to stay home with my boys; I wish it felt like a real choice.