‘You, Me & Tuscany’ Review: Halle Bailey and Regé-Jean Page Fall in Love in Wish Fulfillment Overload

“You, Me & Tuscany” is porn. Food porn, that is, and one wishes it were more hardcore – more risotto, more bruschetta, more polenta, puh-lease. Though it’s a bad sign when a rom-com with great-looking people and lovely scenery leaves you asking, “Could you show me more food?”

This faded mimeograph of rom-coms past expects us to care that directionless Anna (Halle Bailey), who gave up on a career as a chef when her mom died, lies her way into a Tuscan family’s good graces, then has difficulty extracting herself from the situation because, you know, feelings. Anna almost has a one-night stand with Italian guy Matteo (Lorenzo de Moor) in a New York hotel; while he’s sleeping, she grabs pictures from his phone of the Tuscan villa his ultra-rich family gave him, but which he doesn’t use because he ran away to pursue his dream of not doing what they wanted. Yes, that’s creepy and even despicable of her, stealing data from her dozing one-nighter, but in the world of the movie, it’s cool. Right?

Despite having $500 to her name, Anna uses an old ticket her mom got her to fulfill their dream of flying to Tuscany to garner inspiration for the restaurant they’d hoped to open. Out of luck, she squats in Matteo’s supposedly abandoned villa, tries on an engagement ring she finds in a drawer (as one does) and is discovered by his family. Let the cascade of lies rain down!

Along the way, she meet-cutes the handsomest delivery guy in Italy, who turns out to be Matteo’s cousin/adoptive brother Michael (Regé-Jean Page), and not a delivery guy, but the lonely, soulful owner of a vineyard and the family’s good son. Most of the movie’s VFX budget apparently went to painting out his halo. This is, indeed, another good-hearted peasant girl-rescued-by-handsome prince fairy tale.

You already know the rest. You’ll recognize the cannibalized chunks from so many other rom-coms, some referenced directly. Think “French Kiss,” “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” (Nia Vardalos has a cameo), “Under the Tuscan Sun,” “Doc Hollywood,” even “When Harry Met Sally.”

So what does belong to “Tuscany,” which was written by Ryan Engle and directed by “Marry Me” filmmaker Kat Coiro? Well, they know they’ve got a hottie in Page. Thus, a thirst-trap shot of water pouring on him, shirtless – in slow-motion, no less. And there are a few laughs, in volume about the equivalent of the freshly grated parmesan sprinkled atop a crisp arugula salad with pine nuts. OK, maybe I should have eaten before the movie.

Formulaic rom-coms demand certain structure, premises and character archetypes, and “Tuscany” diligently provides. The script so plays down to its presumed audience that it opens with unnecessary expository narration, of which every factoid is reiterated soon after in even clumsier dialogue. The protagonist’s journey is repeatedly spelled out, as we’re told by multiple characters she lives other people’s lives and needs to start living her own. As her lies compound, her cabbie friend says, “Maybe by living a fake life, you’ll find truth in your own.”

Yes, it’s one of those rom-coms, in which the protagonist’s deceptions would be unforgivable IRL, but in the fanciful world of big-screen, beautiful love, it’s all somehow OK. Anna hasn’t been thought through enough, and emotional truth is anathema to the whole exercise, so despite her opportunism and fecklessness, we’re to believe this whole, close-knit family falls head over heels for her. Heck, when dreamy winery guy is explaining that Leonardo da Vinci designed the airlocks on their wine barrels, she cuts him off!

For someone whose passion is cooking, we don’t get nearly enough of it from her – there’s gorgeous food, but we don’t see her doing much beyond some light chopping. Even if we’re not meant to fully witness her culinary artistry until late, we never sense the love of it that we get from, say, “Big Night,” “The Taste of Things,” “Chef,” “The Bear,” or so many others.

The thumbnail-sketched locals are cutely depicted in a “This is what small-town Italians are like, right?” way. There’s no rooster on the villa grounds, but each day is broken by an opera-singing worker. The life-feasting sister-in-law is having an affair with the plumber – no, he’s not named Mario, that would be ridiculous. He’s Luigi.

Stella Pecollo as sister-in-law Francesca and Marco Calvani as cabbie friend Lorenzo score comic points. As patriarch Vincenzo and matriarch Gabriella, respectively, Paolo Sassanelli and Isabella Ferrari win us over – which works against the film’s need to paper over Anna’s terrible behavior. We don’t want to see these people hurt, to have their hopes dashed. But luckily, emotional truth isn’t in the recipe.

“You, Me & Tuscany” delivers the rom-com meat and potatoes: The beats, the scenery, and the great-looking people consumers expect. But it’s strictly fast food, when the sun-kissed Tuscan countryside, with its porcini, pecorino and Cinta Senese pork was there to savor with a nice chianti.

The post ‘You, Me & Tuscany’ Review: Halle Bailey and Regé-Jean Page Fall in Love in Wish Fulfillment Overload appeared first on TheWrap.