Pete Hegseth Laid On Side For Cabinet Meeting

WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep his airways clear while his colleagues discussed foreign policy, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was laid on his side for a Cabinet meeting Friday, according to sources within the White House. “Hey, Scott [Bessent], could you grab us a couple towels to support his head and soak up some of the piss?” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who reportedly kneeled beside Hegseth while the former Fox News host lapsed in and out of consciousness, drying heaving and occasionally muttering incoherent threats against Sen. Mark Kelly of Arizona. “Before I can brief you guys on the situation in Nigeria, I need someone to help me wriggle him out of his suit so we can wash off the vomit. Ugh, the whole Cabinet Room smells like sour Jägermeister. I’m gonna turn him on his other side so he’s not breathing on us. Let’s try to get some water in him once we’re sure he can keep it down. JD [Vance], would you mind taking over for me down here while I present? Just use your fingers to scoop out his mouth if it seems like he’s choking on puke.”  At press time, an aide was seen hoisting the completely limp defense secretary over his shoulder and taking him back to the Pentagon to oversee the invasion of Greenland.

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