Dear Abby: Friends are unaware of my silent suffering
DEAR ABBY: I have a neurological disorder and can no longer keep up with my friends (who used to be my friends). I don't explain the problems I have and why I can't do the things I used to do unless they ask. I still drive, but I have trouble walking. I have a wonderful husband who helps me all the time. I'm lucky I can do what I do, but I am very limited.
I don't know how to explain it to people who look at me like I'm making it up. Abby, I have polyneuropathy and have had seven back surgeries. I have arthritis in all my joints. I live in constant pain, but it doesn't "look" like I do. How do I explain my disability? I'm tired of being at home and not getting phone calls anymore. How do I tell them there are still things I can do? — DOWN BUT NOT OUT IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR DOWN: By not discussing your problem, you have contributed to the isolation you are feeling. Not every disability is obvious. Your friends may think you are avoiding them because you don't want to be with them.
You don't have to make any "grand announcements," but you should have a frank talk with your closest friends about what your challenges are. Real friends will make an effort to accommodate you if you let them know you need them in your life. Once you start talking, the word will get around. Trust me on that.
DEAR ABBY: My niece married her second husband two months ago. In lieu of gifts, they asked for money to be used toward a future house. Instead of adding to the "money tree," I handed her my envelope with cash and a card, so she could put it away before the ceremony. I have not received any acknowledgment for the gift.
Our family was together recently to celebrate a birthday, and she still didn't mention the gift. I could overlook the lack of a thank-you note with a verbal acknowledgment, a text or any sort of communication that she appreciated the gift. Should I mention this to her dad (my brother) or another aunt with whom she is close? She has also invited all the members of this side of the family to her home (in another city) but has yet to invite my husband and me. I am really disappointed in her actions, or lack thereof. Am I being too sensitive? — DISCONTENTED AUNT IN TEXAS
DEAR AUNT: You are not being too sensitive. Your niece's lack of manners is hurtful and disappointing. If she couldn't make the time to write you a note, she should have remembered to thank you for your gift when she saw you at the birthday celebration.
The fact that you and your husband have been excluded from her family gathering makes me wonder what else may be going on with her. Rather than "tattle" to her father, I don't think you would be out of line to discuss it discreetly with the aunt you feel she's close to and ask for some insight.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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