340 Million Americans Killed In Botched Training Exercise

WASHINGTON—In a tragic accident the Pentagon confirmed was currently under internal investigation, 340 million Americans were killed Tuesday in the course of a botched military training exercise.

According to top generals, the mishap occurred at Fort Bliss Army base in Texas, where members of the 1st Armored Division participating in a live training exercise repeatedly missed a practice target and unwittingly inflicted massive casualties on U.S. citizens downrange in all directions. The affected towns and cities were reportedly struck by fire from small arms, artillery, M1 Abrams tanks, and Apache helicopters, as well as thousands of long-range missiles, with nearly all victims ultimately succumbing to their wounds.

“While conducting operations intended to enhance the peacekeeping skills of our troops, a simple target acquisition error regrettably ended in the deaths of over 99.9% of Americans,” said Maj. Gen. Curtis D. Taylor, speaking at an empty press conference held to address the incident. “This glitch led in turn to a departure from normal protocols during which a number of Hellfire missiles were allowed to make contact with civilian airliners. Subsequent miscalculations then resulted in all major population centers being subjected to sustained bombardment with a combined 40 gigatons of explosives until those people residing within them sadly lost their lives.”

“In addition, thousands of our own troops were accidentally shot in the back as their counterparts obliviously kept marching forward,” Taylor continued. “Please know we are doing everything we can to ensure that a mistake leading to the loss of 340 million Americans never happens again.”  

According to sources, several billion rounds of ammunition were fired into unsuspecting U.S. residents simply going about their day before one of the officers overseeing the training exercise noticed videos on social media that showed ordnance pummeling the country’s Northeast, Midwest, South, and West regions. An additional 50 million deaths then occurred as the officer struggled to get his soldiers to hold fire. Lifesaving efforts are believed to have been hindered by collapsing buildings, fires that consumed entire cities, and the fact that the casualties included all of the nation’s doctors, EMTs, and individuals with first-aid certification.

The identities of the dead are being withheld until the sole remaining law enforcement officer can track down the next of kin for each of the 340 million victims.

A poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that 75% of surviving American civilians felt the Department of Defense bore culpability for the accidental killings and 50% wanted financial compensation for blast craters on their property. All four non-military survivors unanimously asserted that they’d be lodging complaints with their representatives as soon as special elections could be held to replace every elected official in the nation.

Despite public outcry over the tragedy, particularly the accidental detonation of the entire U.S. nuclear arsenal, the Pentagon maintained that its safety protocols met and even exceeded reasonable standards.

“Remember it’s exceedingly rare for the entire population to be wiped out in one of these training exercises,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Dan Caine, who noted that the last time nearly every living American was annihilated in a military accident was during the Great Cannon Misfire of 1826. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to friends, families, and colleagues across the country, but they can rest easy knowing that our troops are participating in live exercises around the clock to keep them safe.” 

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