I Still Believe in the Inherent Goodness of Humankind, and the Literal Existence of the Easter Bunny

Wherever I look, my gaze can find something horrific on which to focus. Whether it be news of atrocities committed by our fascist-leaning governments, obvious acceleration towards environmental collapse, or the Criterion Collection’s glaring omission of the Jackass series, heinous evils are all around us.

Yet, despite it all, I still believe in the unassailable goodness of humanity.

I also believe that the Easter Bunny is a real, tangible creature capable of wielding magic and producing plastic eggs filled with individually wrapped candies.

Throughout human history, righteousness inevitably triumphs over evil. Yes, sometimes the darkness becomes so strong and oppressive that we forget what the light is like. And that darkness can last for so long that people live entire lives in its grip. But eventually, the light always returns.

Similarly, the Easter Bunny is a living being who lies dormant for 364 days each year. Where does it hibernate? My research has tracked it down to one of four wooded areas surrounding Akron, Ohio. The semi-messianic beast has powers beyond our imagination but chooses to use them only to help the world’s children, early in the morning of Easter Sunday. It serves as an example to all people that the path of virtue is always available to us.

I don’t proclaim to understand how some people have the capacity to choose the path of evil. I also don’t fully understand the working relationship between the Easter Bunny and Jesus Christ, but I have a theory that they are, to some degree, in cahoots and carry out tasks for each other. The divine bunny’s nature is only known to God, Elijah, and maybe my friend Paul, who throws an amazing Easter party every year where I drink way too much too early in the day.

I have asked many confectionery manufacturers, big and small, via their website contact forms, whether they have any business or logistical relationship with the Easter Bunny. Their collective silence tells me everything I need to know.

Before you begin making assumptions about my naïvety or gullible nature, let me answer a few questions I repeatedly get from family and former friends:

“Do you believe in Santa Claus?”
Yes. It’s just science. They found his bones in the city of Myra, and their odd size suggests to me that he could grow and shrink, befitting someone traveling through chimneys.

“Do you believe in the Tooth Fairy?”
Of course. Look around you. Do you see piles of baby teeth from previous generations? No, you do not. But if billions of people have lived on this planet, where did all those teeth go? Checkmate, nonbelievers.

"Do you believe in the invisible hand of the free market, which will deliver all people to economic prosperity if they are allowed to pursue their own selfish desires?
No. Don’t be ridiculous.

I hope now you can better understand my unshakable faith in things difficult to see, including holiday cryptids and general human decency. When times get extraordinarily dismal, I remember Mr. Fred Rogers’ quote: “Look for the helpers.” And while a quick web search didn’t yield many good examples of helpers for our current existential threats, Google’s AI Overview suggested that I might have meant to type “Hamburger Helper,” which indeed distracted me from the curse of being human. I am very hungry.