Stanford Prison Experiment sequel canceled: Subjects ‘too into it’

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Researchers with the Department of Psychology were forced to cancel a follow-up to the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment this week, as they deemed the subjects were “exhibiting too much enjoyment in the simulated prison environment,” according to principal investigators. 

The experiment, which intended to investigate the psychological impacts of being handcuffed and dominated by roleplaying guards in a sweaty, cramped environment, saw high engagement from the Stanford community. The two dozen subjects that were chosen from the crowded application pool reportedly arrived with their own uniforms and restraints.

Edward M. Beaux ‘26 communicated both his initial excitement for the revival of the prison experiment, as well as his “crushing disappointment” for its cancellation. 

“Stanford Prison Experiment? This sounded more like the Stanford Prison Experience,” he said. “Stanford hates fun for real.”

While researchers postulated that participants would have natural predispositions to sadistic behavior, professor Goergina Cortous, who designed the experiment, said the extent of the participants’ commitment to perpetuating physical justice within the prison environment was astonishing.

Ultimately, while the researchers had been able to adapt to the influx of sexual deviants and their personal equipment – having reportedly taken in, labeled and stored over 800 phallic objects – the University cut funding to the project due to breaches of experimental guidelines.

“We didn’t realize until far too late that people were self-selecting their roles before they even walked into the door, which goes against the principles of our blind experiment. The obvious answer is to randomly select each person’s role, but in this setting, that doesn’t really work. Give a spankee a paddle, and they’re just gonna end up by themselves in a corner,” Cortous said.

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