Analysts Say Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger Offers Best Shot At ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Starring Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that there were some significant upsides to the deal despite the concerns it had raised, analysts at the National Research Group reported Thursday that the upcoming Paramount-Warner Bros. merger offered consumers the best shot at seeing a Sex And The City reboot starring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “Fans have long clamored to find out whether Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, or Michelangelo is the Carrie of the group, and when this deal goes through, we’ll have a real chance of finding out,” said industry analyst Aaron Lewiston, noting that a TV series in which four anthropomorphic crime-fighting turtles sip cosmopolitans and talk about the struggle of dating in the Manhattan sewer system would have been impossible if Netflix had succeeded in buying Warner Bros. Discovery. “The artistic community is clearly apprehensive that a merger between two major studios could stifle creativity, but clearly it also provides the possibility of telling new stories—specifically ones in which Michelangelo dates a mutant rat who’s into ass play as Donatello and Raphael shop for the perfect bandanas to wear on their double date, and Leonardo contemplates whether it’s really possible to be friends with an ex.” Lewiston went on to point out that no other potential buyer presented an opportunity to learn what would happen if Dora the Explorer checked in to the White Lotus.

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