When we got married, my husband and I fell into traditional roles. Now, we're teaching our kids how to be more equal with their future partners.
Courtesy of Kathy Larson.
- My husband and I grew up in traditional households and fell into similar roles when we got married.
- It took effort, but we now share the mental and physical load of running our home
- We're teaching our kids to show up as equal partners for their future relationships.
I grew up in a very traditional household in the 80s. My dad worked, and my mom handled the house and the kids. Terms like "division of household labor" and "the mental load" were not even in their vocabulary.
My husband grew up as the only son of a very traditional single mom. He didn't lift a finger in that house.
When we got married, it didn't even occur to us to talk about the division of labor. I just did everything, even though we both worked full time. My husband wasn't trying to be a jerk; it was just what we were both used to. And it didn't feel as much like labor back then. I liked to cook, and keeping a clean home gave me a sense of peace.
Things shifted when we had kids
It wasn't really a big deal until we started having kids and the household responsibilities got bigger, and the mental load got heavier. By the time I decided I needed him to help, we had such deeply ingrained habits that it took a long time and a lot of work to figure out how to share the load.
I decided that an ounce of prevention would be worth a pound of cure. It would be a whole lot easier on my kids and their future spouses if we taught them from day one that household management isn't just one person's job; it's the responsibility of every member of the household.
Our kids are involved in everything
From a very young age, I've intentionally involved my three kids in everything we do around the house, including the behind-the-scenes planning and organizing, to help them see the invisible labor of a household.
I let them do tasks as independently as possible, even if they didn't do a great job, so they could learn ownership. When they were little, I used words like "responsibility" and "contribute" and "share the load." In a joking tone, "Mama is not your maid," became an oft-repeated phrase in our house.
Courtesy of Kathy Larson.
As they have gotten older, I've tried to give them as much ownership as possible over their chores so they understand the mental load behind them. If your job is taking out the trash, that doesn't mean waiting for me to tell you it's time to do so. Your job is also to pay attention to when it's getting full and take it out before someone has to ask you. And putting a new bag in. And taking the trash to the curb the night before the truck comes.
If your job is cooking dinner, it's also making sure we have the ingredients you need on hand. If it's mowing the lawn, it's also making sure the gas can is full when you need it. Full disclosure: We do not have this down yet; we are still working on it!
We're honest about how we evolved
Now that our oldest are teenagers, my husband and I both talk really openly with them, and our younger daughter, about how he didn't contribute around the house when we first got married and the issues it caused between us. Particularly, how it made me feel like he was treating me like a maid, and how he had no idea that's how it made me feel. He never would have wanted me to feel that way.
Courtesy of Kathy Larson.
We also talk about how important honest and clear communication is in all of it. We could have prevented a lot of resentment and anger if we had talked about how things felt before it got so bad. We're also honest about how much each of our childhoods contributed to our expectations and subconscious ideas about marriage.
Of course, our kids are going to run into all kinds of things if they get married or live with a roommate, but we're hoping that by being honest and vulnerable with them about our experiences, we can help them prevent some of what we went through. Not just with division of household labor, but with a million other things, too.
We're not really raising children, we're raising future adults. We want them to be functioning members of society, great partners and friends, and great parents themselves.