8 Things to Do If Attraction Is Waning In Your Marriage

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You’ve met, committed to, and married the perfect person. You’re compatible in every way that matters. Then, without warning, those butterflies that once fluttered in your stomach every time they touched you suddenly fly off.

Maybe your partner doesn’t look the same as when you were young (who does?… but still). Maybe caregiving for kids or parents makes it impossible for you to see your partner as anything other than an extra pair of hands. Maybe you both have simply changed over the course of your marriage, and your relationship and attraction to each other have changed too.

There’s no one reason why people stop being attracted to their partner, but experts agree that the issue is extremely common. “A perceived loss or change in attraction is one of the most common reasons couples end up in my office,” says Gabby Jimmerson, a couples and sex therapist based in Tennessee. “Honestly, it’s basically universal,” agrees sex and self-intimacy coach Angie Enger. “If someone tells you they’ve maintained 100% peak attraction for 20 years straight, they’re either lying or in the honeymoon phase of a very new second marriage.” As upsetting or even frightening as it can be to realize you’ve lost attraction for your partner, know that you’re far from alone. “It’s totally normal and not necessarily a sign of something being terribly wrong,” Enger tells SheKnows.

The good news: it’s definitely possible to get that attraction back. It starts by figuring out why it’s gone in the first place.

Why do we lose attraction in marriage?

Losing attraction over the course of a long marriage or relationship is natural, to an extent. “It’s easy to feel romantic when you live separately and date each other, because every moment spent together is special,” said Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. But once you start living together, she explains, “such romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things. As soon as the initial newness of living together wears off, you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you.”

Waning attraction is rarely the result of one thing, too. Instead, it’s “usually a cocktail of an increase in stressors, a decrease in novelty and fun, and the very natural tendency to project our stress onto our partner,” Enger says. “Co-managing a life is a ton of work, especially if kids, aging parents, and/or chronic health issues are in the mix.”

There’s also the fact that people and life situations simply change over time. Jimmerson says one common dynamic is to be deeply attracted to a quality early on in your relationship, only to end up feeling frustrated by that very same trait later on. “For example, you may have loved your partner’s life-of-the-party energy in your 20s but later feel irritated when that same energy clashes with responsibilities like getting home for a child’s bedtime,” she explains. Here’s where communication comes in, she says. “Accepting that your life together will evolve, and being clear about what fuels or disrupts attraction, helps couples stay connected instead of quietly drifting apart.”

So what can you do to get the spark back? Our experts have eight tips for recapturing that elusive attraction in your marriage.

1. Expand your definition of attraction

Sometimes it’s not that you lose attraction — it’s just that what you’re attracted to, and how it feels, is different. “Age, stress, hormones, and life demands all influence how our brains and bodies respond to intimacy,” Jimmerson explains. While attraction in a new relationship might feel like you can’t keep your hands off each other, “later attraction may feel more subtle, steady, and responsive to emotional connection.”

That doesn’t mean attraction is gone, she explains; it just “requires more intention and a different kind of attention,” as well as “an environment that supports connection, play, and opportunities for intimacy.”

2. Get playful

“Letting yourselves laugh, relax, and enjoy each other — without pressure or expectation — helps reintroduce a sense of ease and curiosity,” Jimmerson says. Introducing play back into your relationship can include a lot of different things, ranging from low-pressure acts like playful touching and teasing to simply doing a fun activity together. “Simply being physically close helps couples reconnect with their erotic energy in a more natural, relaxed way.”

Tessina adds that this can be as simple as you want. “Fun and intimacy do not depend on spending money or going to extremes; they don’t depend on a particular setting or activity, and they don’t have to take a lot of time,” she says. “Through play we reconnect with our hearts, our childlike selves and the intuitive, spontaneous responses that lead to sexual connections.”

3. Schedule time to be intimate

Sometimes to make time for sex, you actually have to schedule it like you would a meeting or a trip. That’s a recommendation Jimmerson often gives out, noting that “many couples push back on this because it doesn’t feel ‘sexy,’ and there’s a belief that passion should just happen naturally. But anticipation can be deeply erotic.”

She explains that when couples commit to a specific time, “they start engaging differently throughout the day, being more intentional about how they show up: maybe wearing something they feel good in, freshening up in a way that feels attractive, or making sure the bedroom feels clean and inviting.” You couple mental and physical anticipation with delayed gratification. The outcome? “Desire,” Jimmerson says, “which is something many couples forget can be incredibly sexy.”

4. Reinvest in yourself.

When you’re trying to improve your relationship, it’s natural to feel like you should focus on your partner and what they need. On the contrary, though, Enger recommends refocusing on yourself and prioritizing independence. “I know this sounds counterintuitive, but spend time apart,” she says. “Have your own hobbies. Bringing ‘new’ stories back to the dinner table creates a sense of individuality that is inherently attractive.”

“Intimacy is only possible when there is also sufficient personal space,” Tessina agrees. “Allow a little distance, regularly. ‘How can I miss you if you don’t go away?’ is a humorous way to put it. You need some separate activities, friends and interests to keep your desire for each other fresh.”

5. Connect with each other beyond the physical.

While we definitely want to rebuild physical connection (which is a big part of renewing attraction), Enger says it’s also important to connect outside of sex too. Talk to each other, try new hobbies or activities together, get to know each other anew. “Engaging in new or old ways lowers stress and rebuilds the physical connection without the pressure of ‘performance,'” Enger explains.

6. Know that it’s natural for your partner (and you!) to change

You and your partner aren’t the same as you were in your 20s. That goes for your appearance, your behavior, your life situation, probably even your personality — because people change. For the health of your relationship, it’s time to let go of the past and focus on the present and future.

“if you are hung up on what your partner acted or looked like in their 20’s, you are setting yourself for disappointment,” Enger explains. “The same applies to you! If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s harder for your partner to feel good about you.”

7. Show your affection

“When you’re married and living together, it is too easy to let romance slide,” Tessina says. That doesn’t mean you have to go all in on big gestures, but small shows of affection can go a long way. “Don’t forget to bring home flowers, send cards, create or buy silly little gifts for each other,” she suggests. “Write poetry, silly notes, or songs, clip a magazine cartoon, or simply speak the positive things you feel.”

Beyond gifts, remember to simply show your partner that you respect and care about them. That might look like deep conversations, date nights, acts of service — whatever you know makes them feel good. Because while you’re prioritizing yourself, it’s important to remind your partner that they’re your number one, too.

8. Have fun in the bedroom — and try new things

There are plenty of ways to “kickstart the libido,” as Enger puts it, that can help reinvigorate your attraction for your partner. Here are a few expert-approved suggestions: