5 Times Mom Cried Her Fucking Eyes Out While Reading ‘Country Living’ Magazine
Country Living Magazine mostly runs emotionally benign content, but there have been five occasions on which it made Mom sob like there was no tomorrow.
1. The time she read an article about how thrift stores don’t always take used blenders
It’s pretty easy to figure out why this one hit Mom so hard—she had just donated a bunch of old kitchen equipment to Goodwill. We tried to reassure her that our blender was in good enough condition that it wouldn’t get thrown out, but she kept wailing, “But how can I know? How can I know?”
2. The time Country Living published 6 brownie recipes with a Christmas twist
Mom is a lapsed Catholic, and she has not put mini candy canes on our brownies to celebrate Christmas in recent memory. We’re not sure whether she found the idea so inspiring that it made her cry, or whether reading about brownies that look like Rudolph made her feel spiritually bereft and alienated from the God of her childhood in a way that broke her down emotionally. Ultimately, she did try making brownies with red and green M&Ms that night, and they were pretty good.
3. The time she couldn’t decide if she needed a capsule wardrobe
A couple years ago, Mom ripped a capsule wardrobe guide out of Country Living, brought it upstairs to her closet, threw out nine different pairs of jeans, and then started wailing. She was found three hours later, gripping the tear-soaked magazine pages as she tried to decide between keeping a 2017 Outrun Breast Cancer 5k shirt and a 2018 Outrun Breast Cancer 5k shirt. She eventually decided that she would offload both on her sister, and ended up getting them back six months later.
4. The time she thought a farmhouse kitchen makeover looked way better before than after
Mom absolutely could not handle the giant sink and bright white cabinetry some family in Ohio put in a kitchen that, according to Mom, had been “gorgeous” before. It’s possible she was jealous, because we saw her the next week holding up white paint chips to our wooden cabinets in a contemplative manner. Either way, she cried over this article for about 30 minutes before Dad came in and put on Dancing With The Stars to cheer her up.
5. The time Country Living said faux plants were dated
This was a little out of pocket of Country Living, to be honest. They put fake plants on a list of decor mistakes that instantly age your home, and it hit Mom right in the heart. She cried, put our fake ficus by the door to be thrown out, brought the fake ficus back, and ended up giving the fake ficus an even more prominent place in the living room, possibly to make up for almost getting rid of it. She cried the whole time. Thanks a lot, Country Living!