Stanford to offer major in Caucasian-American studies

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Starting next year, the School of Humanities and Sciences will expand their list of majors to incorporate a new program known as Caucasian American Studies. Announcing the new discipline in the Stanford Report, the University cited a growing need for incoming professionals to signal their support for the plight of Caucasian Americans.

“The major expands Stanford’s tradition of empowering the already empowered, ensuring that the University remains a critical site for social reproduction in the 21st century,” explained Jordan David Starr ‘63, the inaugural Junipero Serra Fellow for Anglo-American Scholarship. “It’s a turning point for our university. We’re rejecting Stanford’s interdisciplinary culture and trying to keep everything, you know, pure.”

The new department plans to offer two degrees–a Bachelor’s in Arts and a Bachelor’s in Sciences. The B.S. program focuses on applying scientific methodology to the existing frameworks underpinning Caucasian American thought. This spring, the department will launch its introductory course for the B.S. program: Reclaiming the Roots of Statistics (CAUC 117). According to the course registry, students only need basic experience with calculus; methods like integration will not be required.

“Using scientific methods proves our superiority,” explained Wallace George, the course lecturer. “As a department, I mean. Here, everyone gets the chance to see that. In the same way that science can prove the Big Bang Theory, science could yet prove the Great Replacement Theory.”

Meanwhile, the B.A. draws on the foundations of Western Civilization to provide a more philosophical approach. Jackson Andrew, a professor teaching many of the core classes, tied the epistemology of Caucasian American Studies to a foundation in the classics.

“Socrates said, ‘All I know is that I know nothing,’ and we promote that spirit. As students of Caucasian American Studies, all we know is that we are Know-Nothings. Caucasian American Studies, just like philosophy, relies on asking suggestive questions. Look, for example, to Tucker Carlson.”

The department is not without its controversy. Faculty members claim that the Caucasian American Studies curriculum affords its students unfair privileges that other departments cannot match. For example, students can earn elective credit for completing their sophomore writing requirement in a department-offered course: White PWR (PWR2DHS). Beyond this, the department has announced a $10,000 summer fellowship program that places students with industry pioneers like the Heritage Foundation, the United Fruit Company (now Chiquita Brands) and most banking institutions in the United States.

These privileges are not without their hardships, students claim. Many find aspects of the curriculum difficult, such as the year-long practicum requirement of settling into an ethnic theme dorm (CAUC 101A: This Land Is Your Land, This Land Is My Land). Heidi Gore Martin ‘29, a prospective double major in Caucasian American Studies and German Studies, said that one of the only reprieves from the program’s academic rigor is the Credit/No Credit option.

“Instead of taking some classes for a letter grade, some students can get a passing grade that won’t affect your GPA. They call it White-Passing, and it’s a privilege that can help students succeed both in the major and in life.”

Responding to these complaints, Grant Weezart, the newly hired Student Services Officer for the department, noted that “Stanford has a strong selection process, but I find nothing to be as strong as natural selection.”

Even with its controversies, the major comes as a breath of fresh air for a class of students who feel abandoned by the modern political landscape. Jefferson Thomas ‘28 expressed hope that the major would support his growth not only academically, but emotionally and mentally.

“Look, to people with privilege, equality feels like oppression. But I finally feel empowered. I finally feel like America cares about me.”

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