We’re Looking for a Unicorn

We’re looking for a unicorn. A creative type with an analytical brain. A rule breaker and a team player. Rainbow horn and silver blood.

What will be your job? The better question is, what won’t be your job? You’ll do it all. Come up with big ideas. Bring those ideas to life. And then defend those ideas against the forces of evil, aka, our legal department. And that’s just on Monday.

In today’s AI-driven world, being digitally fluent is a must. We need someone proficient with ChatGPT, Gemini, and ancient runes. Prophecy isn’t a requirement, but it’s strongly encouraged if you want to stand out from the rest of the herd.

This is not a role for someone just starting out. So if you have grey hair, you need not apply. We’re only considering white-haired professionals with at least 1,000 years of experience.

You’ll work with a diverse team. We have elves, magicians, and even a multi-hyphenate creative barista from Bushwick. So this really is a job for a unicorn who works well with others. We don’t want a lone wolf.

We offer a generous compensation package, comprehensive healthcare, and unlimited sugar cubes. We work hard, and we play hard, too. However, this is a place of business, so please, no horsing around.

Cards on the table? We’ll be bankrupt within the year. So if you know any angel investors, please let us know. Or demon investors. We can’t afford to be picky at this point.

We get that this job isn’t for everyone, and yes, this company will slowly bleed you dry. But if you’re the unicorn we’re looking for, please submit a résumé, cover letter, and hair sample.