Freed: Fed up with winter? Try my 7-step program to finding your inner spring
Missing: Spring.
Description: Warm, green, flowery, hopeful.
Last seen: Who can remember?
Now is the discontent of our winter.
Last Saturday was supposed to be the start of spring, but it feels like we’re still in Forever-uary, while winter threatens to march from March into April and maybe July.
We’ve been living through a Festival of Winter Weather for almost five months now, ever since that first huge snowfall on Nov. 9.
The festival has continued non-stop with a white Christmas, Snowmageddon January, flash-frozen February and a March cocktail of blizzards, whiteouts, blackouts, ice storms, sleet, slush and my cold tush.
Also days so windy that recycling bins on my street were flying around like confetti, while seniors were advised to stay in or be blown away.
Overall, there has been way too much weather, and every day is as unpredictable as the inside of Donald Trump’s mind. One day it feels like spring, and the next we’re back in January again.
To cope, we have all been repeating comforting phrases like: “At least it’s a dry cold.” (Sure.) Or “Thank goodness it’s sunny.” (And -25.) Or: “It’ll be over soon!” (Will it?)
This week, even diehard winter fans have hung up their ski socks.
Most winters, we have a social contract with winter to arrive in mid-December and leave by mid-March. But this year, winter has completely broken the deal.
Instead, it has been like a house guest who stays several months, eats all your food, breaks your shovel and is still sleeping on your couch, in your bathrobe asking: “What’s for dinner?”
Now the guest seems to be settling in for a fifth month as meteorologists predict a “wintry April.”
In recent weeks, San Franciscans have been whining about heat waves of over 30 C, while we’re thrilled when it occasionally breaks zero.
Our endless winter is no longer a season, it’s becoming a hostage situation and we must each escape on our own.
What can you do to free yourself from winter’s grasp, at least psychologically?
Here’s a seven-step program to help you end your own personal winter and find your inner spring.
Step 1: Put away your skis, skates and long johns in a big box marked “Winter 2025-2026.”
It’s time to take out your pickleball racket, baseball mitt and Frisbee, even if you have to play with them in the living room.
Likewise, pack away your winter coat and don’t go anywhere you might need it, like outside.
Step 2: Toss away that shovel and let any new snow flurries melt themselves. You can’t get in touch with your inner spring when you’re shovelling the walk at -13.
Instead, be an optimist and get out the rake. You’ll need it any day now, trust me.
Step 3: Tune out anything that might remind you it’s still winter, like our white lawns, whiter parks and frequently snow white cars.
Instead, expose yourself to bright summer colours. Try staring at something vividly green several times a day, like a leaf or a pickle.
Buy a brilliant red pepper at the supermarket, but don’t eat it. Just look at it.
Step 4: Put away your dark winter outfits and take out your white linen pants and shirt. They’ll go perfectly with your thermal long underwear.
Step 5: For those feeling hardy, bring out that longtime symbol of spring: the barbecue. But stay very close to the flame for heat, like the meat.
To keep that spring and summer barbecue mood, don’t forget to put on sunblock.
Invite the neighbours over. If it snows, you can always bring the barbecue into the kitchen to keep the spring feel.
Just don’t light it.
Step 6: Call Montreal city hall and announce that spring is here. Maybe they’ll speed up repairing our potholes and cleaning our filthy streets, instead of asking us to clean them, as they did last week.
We’re all too exhausted from shovelling.
The city has just bought two more pothole-patching machines, but for now, the lane with the potholes is still the safest to drive in.
The rest of most roads is gone.
Step 7: If you’re feeling blue or depressed like many people, don’t make any rash decisions before the weather turns nice in May. You’re probably just feeling sad from SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Do not suddenly quit your longtime job to become a barmaid in Barbados. Do not leave your lifetime spouse to marry your Zumba trainer.
Do not join the Foreign Legion.
You can always do that in spring, but you won’t because everything will look better when the world is green again.
Instead, think optimistically. Reserve a terrasse seat for lunch in two weeks so you have something to look forward to. Who cares if you have to eat under a heat lamp holding your fork in your mittens?
Buy some yellow-tinted sunglasses. That way, if you do head outside, you can pretend the snow is actually sand and you’re at the beach.
Meanwhile, I’d love to see the weather authorities put out a new alert.
Spring: “Found at last! Call off the search!
“Spring was discovered hiding behind a cold front. But she’s fine.”
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