RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’

WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Friday in which he stated that he was only six animal penises away from curing cancer. “After major breakthroughs in obtaining the penises of a manatee, an armadillo, and a pygmy jerboa, I’m pleased to announce that my experimental anticancer elixir is mere weeks away from completion,” said Kennedy, adding that he expected the warehouse in which he stored thousands of unrefrigerated animal penises for his work to prove as significant to human civilization as the laboratory in which Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin. “Early death and painful chemotherapy will be a thing of the past as soon as I can get my hands on a Przewalski’s horse penis and a few others to complement the raccoon, marmoset, and blue whale penises I’ve already secured. Then it’s just a matter of stirring them together in a big pot and distributing this lifesaving medicine to hospitals across the country. I urge anyone who finds a roadkill echidna to contact me immediately so I can retrieve its penis before natural scavengers do. Millions of human lives hang in the balance.” At press time, witnesses reported seeing Kennedy dutifully raise a cleaver above his head after he realized the final animal penis he needed to end cancer was his own.

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