3 things all great listeners do

Most of us would like to believe we’re good listeners — but the truth is, we all struggle to really pay attention when someone else is talking. 

“Most of the time when you ask people, ‘How well do you think you’re doing at listening to people?,’ they’re going to say, ‘Really well,’” Graham Bodie, a media and communication professor at the University of Mississippi, tells Vox. “But then when you ask about other people, they tend to say, ‘People are bad.’” 

One study found that we recall more of what we said to someone compared to what was said to us. At best, people remembered 44 percent of any one conversation; other research has shown listeners’ minds wander nearly a quarter of the time while conversing. Amid the cacophony of devices dinging, children interrupting, and to-do lists haunting, your friend’s story about their vacation can quickly become background noise. Or you end up focusing more on what you’re going to say once they’re finished than on really hearing them. 

Many times, it’s those closest to us whom we hear the least. As your mom complains about her neighbor again and your mind wanders to your to-do list, you might subconsciously signal listening behaviors — a nod, smiles, a few “mhm”s — effectively fooling her into thinking you’re paying attention. But this is the worst sin of all, according to Christian van Nieuwerburgh, professor of coaching and positive psychology at Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland, and co-author of Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection. “This half-listening is actually really detrimental to relationships because it damages expectations,” he tells Vox. “It can be hurtful to people when they’re expecting us to listen and suddenly we don’t.”

On the other hand, when people feel heard, they report feeling more positively about their relationships, safer with their conversation partners, and more open to compromise, which could encourage them to open up more. Listening to someone is one way to make them feel loved, according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, the author of How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, the book she co-wrote with social psychologist Harry Reis. “When was the last time someone was really curious about you, just couldn’t wait for you to finish your story? It’s very compelling,” she tells Vox.

If you want to forge stronger connections with those around you, especially the people you intimately know and love, it’s worth bolstering your listening skills. Deep listening requires curiosity, comprehension, and reflection, experts say. And sometimes, it means admitting when you’re distracted.

“Good relationships are founded on good conversations,” Hanne Collins, assistant professor of management and organizations at UCLA, tells Vox. “And good conversations are really founded on good listening.”

1) Go beyond active listening

Much of our understanding of listening originates from the concept of active listening, coined by psychologist Carl Rogers in the 1950s. To do it, you are supposed to give your full attention to the speaker, ask follow-up questions, suspend judgment, and keep the conversation on topic. Other research has identified similar components of high-quality listening: attention, understanding, and positive intentions. You can probably intuit what this looks like in practice; closing your laptop when in active conversation (attention), saying something like “It sounds like you have a lot going on right now” (understanding), and biting your tongue when you feel the urge to judge (positive intentions).

The problem with these frameworks, according to Bodie, is they turn listening into a checklist. “If that’s your idea of good listening, it’s a misconception because then you go about laying down that template in every situation you find yourself in, and you become this robotic ChatGPT listener, as opposed to a human who can navigate and adapt to the varying situations that they find themselves in,” Bodie says. 

Life presents a multitude of conversation types — a business meeting, an argument, a gossip session — and we need to adapt our approach to listening for each one. A friend going through a hard time might simply need an empathetic ear; you may ask more follow-up questions when getting pet-sitting instructions from a neighbor.

It’s important to regularly reflect on how you show up in conversations. “Are my listening habits helping me or hindering me in this context, in this situation, with this person, in this meeting, and so forth?” Bodie says. Think about some recent interactions you had. What do you tend to listen for (and often miss)? How do you respond? What does your face and body language convey? Do your follow-up questions come across as warm and curious or critical? Do you even ask follow-up questions at all? 

2) Listen to learn

The function of listening isn’t just to formulate a response — it’s to understand your conversation partner. Lyubomirsky and Reis describe it in their book as “listening to learn.” Growing up, kids are generally taught to pay attention in order to respond to teachers in class, parents at home. “It’s such a habit for us to constantly respond,” Lyubomirsky says. “So when you’re talking, I’m listening with half an ear, but the other half, I’m really trying to rehearse my answer to you.”

When you’re listening to learn, your only objective is to take in another’s point of view. Lyubomirsky likened the experience to watching a movie. “When you’re watching a film, unless you’re a filmmaker or you’re writing a paper on the film, you’re just taking it in, right?” she says. “You’re not formulating a response, you’re not thinking, What am I saying next?”

Perhaps the most visible ways of signalling your understanding to the listener are to paraphrase and ask follow-up questions. What I think I’m hearing you say is…; Tell me more about…; How did they react when you told them that?; This sounds like that other time you…. The key is to let the other person lead, according to Taylor West, a postdoctoral research fellow in the positive emotions and psychophysiology lab at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “People will tell you what they want to talk about, but you have to let them,” she says.

Continually pulling the conversational thread requires curiosity. Without it, there can’t be connection. This is especially important to be aware of in long-term relationships. “We often stop being curious about the people that we know the best, that we’ve known for longest, because we think that we know everything about them, and yet, there’s always something new to learn,” Lyubomirsky says. 

Of course, you won’t be endlessly interested in everything your partner or best friend or kid has to say. Maybe your spouse has recently gotten into gardening and their talk of bolting and hardening off makes your eyes glaze over. But you can — and should — find ways to manufacture interest, Lyubomirsky says, because it’s crucial for showing the other person that you’re still engaged. Maybe you read up on plants native to your area so you have some basis from which to ask questions, or just ask them what they are most excited to grow next year. There’s always something to learn.

3) Figure out how to reset when you’re distracted

We all zone out occasionally, or get too tired to engage properly; experts say it’s best to simply own up to these limitations. Telling a coworker “Let me just finish this email and you’ll have my full attention” is better than half-listening while you type. Asking a friend if you can revisit a conversation when you aren’t so fried may prevent you from saying something less than helpful or that you’ll later regret.

It might be awkward or even embarrassing, but we need to normalize admitting when we’re not totally present, says Bodie, the communication professor: “I’m so sorry, I got distracted by those sirens. What were you saying?” In meetings at work, you might say “I apologize, I was thinking about what you said earlier and wasn’t fully listening. Could you repeat that?” if you feel comfortable.

You should also take a critical look at your workspace, home, schedule, and general habits to figure out how to minimize distractions. “Is the way in which my office is structured, is the way in which my day is structured, is the way in which people expect me to multitask, are those things incentivizing distraction?” Bodie says. You could dedicate phone-free hours at home or seek out a calm, quiet environment when you’re hanging out with friends. 

Giving someone your full attention and genuinely hearing what they have to say is one of the greatest gifts you can give. It doesn’t always come easy, but with a little effort, you can be the kind of listener everyone wants to confide in. “Conversation is a skill,” says Collins, the UCLA professor. “It’s something that we can practice and get better at.”