FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of Recall

SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination,” said FDA Commissioner Martin Makary, adding that the ensuing fiery blaze would quickly exterminate all nearby bacterial pathogens, including E. coli, Listeria monocytogenes, and Salmonella. “We will be able to detonate lettuce anywhere—from the supermarket to delivery trucks to customers’ fridges. Americans can rest easy knowing that no lettuce-borne microbial contaminant will be allowed to escape. For safety, we have programmed the lettuce to emit a three-second warning beep so that consumers can take cover prior to detonation.” At press time, numerous lettuce consumers had reportedly heard an unsettling beep coming from inside their stomachs.

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