Border Patrol Commander Greg Bovino Retires, And Reminds Us What A Horrible Person He Is

Back in January, now-former Border Patrol Commander Greg Bovino was relieved of his duties overseeing the Trump administration’s disastrous, deadly and viciously xenophobic immigration operations in Minnesota, during which he was consistently ripped apart by federal judges for violating orders limiting the use of tear gas near schools and residential areas, and for lying about protesters being violent to cover for his own agents, who were provably initiating violence.

Earlier this month, Bovino announced he is retiring from Border Patrol altogether at the end of March, and more recently, he opened up about his regrets, or lack thereof, outside of him wishing he and his agents did more damage than they actually did while he was in charge.

From the New York Times:

Mr. Bovino’s actions left a trail of litigation, condemnations from local politicians and accusations of discrimination and unconstitutional conduct.

And, yes, the Commander has a few regrets. But he does not think he went too far. He thinks he did not go far enough.

“We wanted total border domination,” Mr. Bovino said one recent morning, leaning over a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon at Burgers and Beer, a sports bar and restaurant popular with El Centro’s federal agents. “When you use terms like that, perhaps it scares some of the weaker-minded people. Domination. I want you to dominate that border. I’m not going to ‘control’ it. We’re going to dominate the hell out of that damn place.”

“I wish I’d caught even more illegal aliens,” Bovino said in a recent interview, according to the Times. “I mean, we went as hard as we could, but there’s always a creative and innovative solution to catching even more.”

Look, as bad as all of this sounds, I’m pretty sure Bovino was actually holding back in these interviews, so I decided to reach out to the man himself for a candid discussion on his retirement, and what he would change duirng his tenure leading Border Patrol if he could. You can read the transcripts below.

(Note: This is a completely fake interview. I would never talk to that man in person, as one can tell by looking at him that his breath smells like expired pickled pig’s feet, earring backs, and 400 years of oppression. There’s no vaccine for what I could have contracted sharing space with him, and you not finna have me infected with COVID-1619.)

Me: So, Mr. Bovino, what’s next for you now that you are set to reti…

Bovino: I bet I could’ve shot more dogs in the face than Kristi Noem!

Me: Sir, that’s not what I was going to ask…

Bovino: She was shooting old dogs, anyway. I would’ve shot puppies — healthy puppies. You know how many illegals have healthy puppies. I’m sorry, you were saying?

Me: Well, I was just going to ask what you were planning to do next, post-retirement.

Bovino: Who said I was retiring? If you reporters didn’t report so much fake news, you’d know that, like Noem, I’ve been promoted. President Donald Trump has named me the Special Envoy for Stormtroopers of the Dark Side Against the Force of the Jedi Woke Commies of the Americas. If that’s a forced retirement, then Darth Vader needed a judge’s warrant to go to Luke Skywalker’s home and arrest his father!

Me: Bovino, sir, you are the one who announced your retirement. I never said it was a “forced retirement,” even though it definitely was, and I’m pretty sure you’ve never seen Star Wars.

Bovino: WTF is Star Wars?

Me: Never mind. Let’s start over with a simpler question. Truthfully, is there anything you regret about all of the violence, atrocious behavior of agents, extrajudicial executions, children who were harmed, and victim smear campaigning that happened under your watch?

Bovino: Oh, hell no! If Trump hadn’t forced me to retire — sorry — I mean, promoted me to Special Envoy for Joffrey Baratheon of House Kill-all de Puppies, I would’ve used more Latino kids as bait to lure out their parents! There would have been more tear gas near schools, houses and Halloween parades! As for the killings of domestic terrorists — sorry — I mean, protesters who clearly and unmistakably posed no imminent threat to the agents who killed them, there was time to spread so much more bootlicking, ICE-defending propaganda, but noooooooo, they had to bow down to the woke mob and take my job, you know, before promoting me to Special Envoy for Mordor or That Noseless Guy From Harry Potter or Whatever.

Me: I, uh — I think we’re going to go ahead and end this interview here. I just don’t think…

Bovino: HOW COULD TRUMP GET RID OF ME BUT KEEP TOM HOMAN? HE NOT LIKE US! MUSTARD ON THE BEAT, HO!

Me: Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, and good riddance, and may the rest of this abysmal administration follow you into MAGA oblivion.

SEE ALSO:

Greg Bovino, Kristi Noem Caught In Trump Admin ICE Cleanup

Nobody Wants This: ICE Is Catching L’s At Every Turn In Minnesota