Crazy Modern Wars: Why Is Iran Decorating Its Missiles?
We are not used to modern warfare. And we are not used to Donald Trump’s wars. Many conservatives believe that this is the main problem we have. That is not my view. For me, the main problem is the Iranian regime, its aim of annihilating Israel, the United States, and the entire West, and the possibility — now nonexistent — of gaining access to nuclear weapons. Since the beginning of the war, they have been launching missiles in every possible direction, as if the gunner were completely drunk or blind, sending them as far as they can. If they had nuclear weapons, several countries around them would have already disappeared, and Cyprus would probably be the new Atlantis.
Modern warfare is strange. In my childhood, there was a Spanish comedian, Miguel Gila, who performed a famous monologue about war. He would go on stage with a telephone and call the enemy to ask what time they were planning to attack, trying to strike a deal so they would let him take a nap beforehand.
Then he would call the arms factory to file a complaint: “Of the six cannons you sent yesterday, two came without a hole. We’re firing with the bullet on the outside. I mean, at the same time I pull the trigger, someone else runs with the bullet. The problem is, he gets tired and drops it, and we don’t know where it lands, since it doesn’t come back…”
Later, he would call the enemy again: “And you really plan to attack tomorrow, which is Sunday? What time? For God’s sake, no — we’re all in bed by seven… can’t you advance in the afternoon, after the football? And are many of you going to come? Geez… I don’t know if there’ll be enough bullets for that many… Well, we’ll fire them, and you can share them out, all right?”
I was reminded of this old routine because sometimes I get the feeling that this is what calls between the United States and Iran are like. Donald Trump is so good at misdirection in negotiations that, besides confusing the Iranians, he drives the rest of us mad. In the last 10 days, he has issued ultimatums to Iran, threatening to unleash hell if they do not surrender, but he has also appeared countless times before the media, making triumphant statements, confirming things that Iran denies — and that Iran is probably lying about as well — and congratulating himself on his success. I am gripped by the kind of paranoia that makes me think that everything Trump has been saying these past few days is a coded message to Iran, so as a rule, I don’t believe a word of it.
It is only fair to admit that we have become spoiled. Since everything in our lives happens in real time, we want to know everything about the war in real time as well. What’s more, after watching three videos — often without any official verification — of random bombings on social media, we think we are perfectly informed about the latest developments. Only a madman would negotiate the end of a war out loud in front of the whole world. And Trump, indeed, is quite mad — that is why we like him — but he is not an idiot. I trust that we will soon have real news, and God willing, may it be good for the West and for freedom.
But all this is secondary. The important thing is that Iran has just inaugurated a new artistic discipline within the category of urban art: the fine art of decorating missiles with graffiti and collages. Some missiles feature protest art, with messages against Trump or the United States, but more often they simply add prayers to Allah, hopeful poems, and even little jokes; they are not funny, but never underestimate the kind of things that might amuse ayatollahs whose national sport consists of stoning girls and publicly hanging innocent men.
I don’t know whether the news has spread beyond Spain, but the most affectionate message they have put on a missile is a sticker with a photograph of the Spanish prime minister, Pedro Sánchez, and a quote of his in which he denounces that “war is illegal,” along with a handwritten note thanking him for his solidarity. The proof that they are crazy is that they thought it a loving gesture to film themselves decorating Sánchez’s missile and then record its launch. Of course, Sánchez has not said a word about his missile, which leads me to suppose that, being so supremely arrogant, he is probably proud that something shaped — well, you know… like a missile, and rather long — carries his name through the skies. Perhaps someone should tell him that, at the end of the film, it explodes, lest he end up like Hezbollah with their beepers.
For now, I thank God that Sánchez’s missile hasn’t landed here. In the midst of this maddening and unpredictable war, having a missile fall on you is bad enough — but if one were to fall on me with Sánchez’s idiot face on it, I’d die.
READ MORE from Itxu Díaz:
The Ultimate Guide to Starting Your Own Farm This Spring
Conservatives Need a New White Post
Image licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International.