I, Jeffrey Epstein, Am Not Only Alive, But I Also Have A Subway Take That’s Going To Piss Off A Lot Of People (by Jeffrey Epstein)

Hello, everyone. Jeffrey Epstein here. You’ve probably heard about my emails. I was recently hacked by the Department of Justice, who published my entire inbox for the public to ogle (DOJ? More like TMZ…). Welp. 

I cannot stop you from gossiping over my private correspondences and making your own presumptions about who I am and what I stand for. But I can speak for myself — and as an independent thinker, who’s never been afraid to go against the grain of popular consensus, ‘speaking for myself’ usually means expressing views that are guaranteed to polarize. “Wait, how can Mr. Epstein speak for himself if he died in 2019?” you must be wondering. Well, boy oh boy, have I come to ClickHole.com with some news for you:

I, Jeffrey Epstein, am not only alive, but I also have a subway take that is going to piss off a lot of people. 

If Subway Takes existed before I went to jail or faked my own death in jail, let me assure you: I, Jeffrey Epstein would’ve been on it, and my hot take would’ve broken the Internet. My subway take is so scorching hot that it would’ve gotten me murdered in jail for real. But alas. Kareem Rahma’s subway program only began long, long after I could be a guest on it without raising questions. So, unfortunately, I’ve never had an opportunity to share my scorched earth hot take…until now. Because I no longer give a damn if the world knows I’m alive after all, and the world will soon be too preoccupied with the discourse my subway take starts to give a damn that I’m actually alive anyway.

Are you ready to hear the late Jeffrey Epstein’s subway take? You may think you are, but you’re really, really not. 

First, allow me to set the scene, so you can experience my subway take as you would if Kareem Rahma invited me, Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently alive and well (correct), on his Internet talk show program. Close your eyes: Imagine Kareem Rahma and me sitting on the L train. It’s rush hour. The train is very, very crowded. Everyone is staring at me, wondering if their eyes are deceiving them. I return their stares with a wink. Mr. Rahma raises his MetroCard microphone to his lips. He looks me, Jeffrey Epstein, in the eyes, and asks, “So, what’s your take?” I raise my MetroCard microphone to my lips. I smirk. And then, I deliver the subway take to end all subway takes:

“I love destination weddings. Love ‘em. I don’t care how much the travel costs, or how much time I have to take off of work. I’m going. Give me a reason to travel and see new places! Like, your wedding’s in a beautiful foreign country? Great! I’ve probably never been! I literally had no good reason to go, and now I have an incredible one! I might even stay a whole week after the wedding to explore! And if I have friends or family that were invited too, we get to spend time together in a wonderful, exotic place? Even better. How often do you have an excuse to do that? What a gift. What a special gift. People who whine about destination weddings are the same people who whine about going to weddings in general, and those people are boring, miserable, they have no sense of romance, and they’re honestly a waste of a wedding invite. Dang, you have to rent a beautiful suit or dress to celebrate someone you love on the best day of their life? Poor you. That’s money you could be spending on important stuff, like…DoorDash? Netflix? Amazon crap? Get over yourself, cheap-o! It’s love, baby: lean in and live a little! This is what life’s all about!”

Kareem Rahma immediately nods and says he agrees with me, Jeffrey Epstein.

Well, there you have it. I, Jeffrey Epstein, am alive, and everyone’s mad at me all over again because no one can handle an actual hot take. Hey, you can call me out of touch or over-privileged, but you can’t say that I’m afraid to speak my mind or that I’m dead. What can I say? I’m just a hyper-opinionated Jewish-American Prince from Brooklyn who is very much alive, contrary to popular belief. You’re welcome for all the engagement I just scored you, Subway Takes!