Self-Defense Techniques for Jazz Musicians

Jazz pushes boundaries. It has ambiguity. It makes people think. That’s why they hate it. And if you’re a jazz musician, this could be an issue. You never know when someone will have heard too many notes and become violent. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to protect yourself.

Jazz Music

This is your first line of defense. Your music should do a good enough job of keeping would-be listeners/attackers away. No one goes looking for jazz on purpose. But you might find yourself playing jazz in a public space, like a bar or some awful gazebo. When you surprise someone with jazz, they can become angry. Your free-playing will confuse them. Their search for a coherent melody will drive them into a violent psychosis, or what musicologists call a “jazz-chosis.” But don’t soil your slacks yet. Your music isn’t your only weapon.

Your Instrument

Unless you’ve made every wrong choice and ended up as a jazz singer, you should be holding something you can hit someone with. Drummers can employ brushes that make drums sound like idiotic rain for eye gouging. Sax players can fashion their flatulent horns into baseball bats for brain bashing. Trumpet players can slip their slides over an attacker’s neck and cut off their air supply, just like in the cartoons. Bass players are usually pretty husky, so they should be able to handle themselves. Skinny bass players should squeeze into the F-holes of their instruments.

Music Stand

Those stands holding all the notes you already know have multiple parts that can raise rhapsodic violence. If your attacker isn’t wearing a turtleneck (they won’t be, they don’t like jazz), you can use the tray to slit their throat.

The stand becomes an easy spear.

Your first thought will be to go for the head. But heads can move. Think of someone who’s listening to music that’s not jazz. Their head is bopping to the beat because they can find it. That’s why you need to go for the body. You’ll be surprised by how easy it is to impale someone when they’re running at you.

Sunglasses

It’s okay to take off your sunglasses once in a while. You can even leave your hat on. Everyone will still know you’re the jazziest cat in town; you were just playing it.

If you just take off your sunglasses, it’ll be easier to protect yourself. You’ll be able to see what’s coming at you.

You’re going to keep them on, aren’t you?

Okay, fine.

Heroin

This isn’t just for tricking yourself into thinking you like jazz. Turns out junk is pretty dangerous. Some people have even died from it. That’s where your faithful H comes in handy.

Heroin usually requires a lot of prep—heating a spoon and all that—so you’ll need to keep a couple of pre-loaded syringes on you while you’re playing.

What if you stick yourself? Why would you care about that? Besides, heroin makes you immune to pain. And that puts you at an advantage when you’re getting your ass beat. Plus, you have multiple syringes—remember that part from earlier?—so even if you get the first hit, you’ll have plenty to go around.

If you can, aim for your attacker’s soft tissue, like their neck or scrotum, and send them to the big Birdland in the sky.

Cigarettes

Getting attacked is stressful. Your nerves are going to be totally shot. No one understands your music, and, by extension, you. Go easy on yourself. Take five. Have a smoke. Offer one to the person hitting you. Ask them what music they like. Listen intently and then tell them how what they like can be traced back to jazz. Get punched again.

Smooth Jazz

This is your Hail Mary. If nothing else has worked, you can put your jazz know-how to use by mixing it with a pop sensibility.

Your instincts will be to eschew the melody. Fight this. You’ll want to lean into a line that your attacker can follow. You’ll know it’s working when their body starts reacting to the music. They might move their feet a little and shuffle their shoulders. This is called dancing. Don’t let it startle you. This is what people do when they enjoy the music they’re hearing. If you can keep this going, they might even bang their hands together, creating something called “clapter.” It might feel unsettling and unfamiliar, but this is good. It means they liked how the notes you played fit together and how the beat seemed to propel them forward. Maybe they’ll even invite you back to play again. Maybe they’ll even pay you. Maybe you should do this step first. Sorry.