The ugly emotion pregnant people aren’t supposed to talk about

Greetings from hell — that is, the third trimester of my high-risk pregnancy with fraternal twins. Unlike every pregnant person on Instagram who is either waltzing around a meadow, cradling their bump in total bliss, or sorting through chic baby decor somewhere in their 7,000 square foot mansion, I have found pregnancy to be abhorrent. 

I spent the first four months puking multiple times a day, thanks to sky-high pregnancy hormones. I had two solid weeks where I got my energy — and appetite — back, during which time I thought, Cool, let’s get into this and buy the cute maternity outfits and baby gear. Then, I was diagnosed with cervical issues, admitted to the hospital for surgery, and told to spend the next four months on “modified bed rest” (a prescription to be off my feet as much as possible). Most days, I am in good-ish spirits, while, at the same time, feeling totally perplexed that some people find pregnancy to be enjoyable.

I also feel deeply ashamed that I detest this thing that’s supposed to be a beautiful, special, sacred experience, especially when so many of my friends are struggling with infertility and paying tens of thousands of dollars for egg freezing or in vitro fertilization (IVF). But according to Dr. Ariadna Forray, an associate professor of psychiatry and director of the Center for Wellbeing of Women and Mothers at Yale School of Medicine, my emotions aren’t an anomaly; they’re the norm. “It’s more the exception that I’ve ever met someone who’s been overjoyed throughout the whole pregnancy and is just ecstatic about it,” Forray told Vox.

Why do I feel guilty about disliking pregnancy, anyway? 

To this day, pregnancy is still framed as something to want in life. Movies and TV shows often romanticize it, and there’s no shortage of posts on social media portraying pregnancy like the be-all and end-all of womanhood. Everyone from strangers on the street to close family members make comments like “enjoy this time!” or “I loved being pregnant.” Another one I hear is “you’ll forget how bad it is once you have your babies.” 

More often than not, pregnancy is treated as a celebratory period in a person’s life — packed full of developmental milestones, baby showers, and babymoons. We hear more about these positive elements and less about the negative aspects, because American society generally idealizes motherhood. Historically, women were primarily seen and treated as childbearers — a perspective that has dramatically shifted in recent years but lingers, especially in communities that ascribe to traditional gender roles. 

As a result, expectations of what pregnancy should be like get lodged in our brains, which can make people, myself included, feel super guilty when different emotions unexpectedly emerge. I always assumed I’d have an easy and active pregnancy if I were to have children — a belief, it turns out, that couldn’t have been further from the truth (I write from bed next to an assortment of pills). As Forray told me, there’s this massive dissonance between what society tells you pregnancy should feel like and how people actually feel. “It’s really problematic, because it’s not accurate,” she said.

Pregnancy is physically and emotionally difficult for a lot of people

Pregnancy triggers massive and profound shifts in your brain and body: hormones surge, blood volume expands, the central nervous system reorganizes, and brain cells undergo a metamorphosis. Depending on what cards you draw, you may develop morning sickness, incessant peeing, acid reflux, sleepless nights, sore boobs, sore everything.

This disconnect — between how we think we should feel or act and how we truthfully feel and act — can trigger shame and reinforce “this narrative that I’m not a good mom, and it hasn’t even started yet,” Pham said.

While pregnancy is known to intensify mental health symptoms — like anxiety and depression — in those with a history of psychiatric illnesses, people who’ve never been diagnosed with a mood disorder often feel irritable, stressed, or overwhelmed and, therefore, often don’t find their pregnancy all that joyful, studies show. At the same time, you have to reckon with the fact that you are about to become a parent and your life, as you knew it, is gone. Oh, and deal with a slew of logistics, including strained finances, future child care plans, and frequent medical appointments that pull you away from other responsibilities like work and a social life. “It’s a big change and it’s a big transition,” said Forray. “That can weigh very heavily.” 

If you intentionally tried for a baby or did so through reproductive technologies like IVF, you may think: “I wanted this and now I’m not happy about it. Does that make me a bad person? Shouldn’t I be happy?” Forray said. If you previously had a miscarriage, as 10 to 20 percent of pregnant people do, you may struggle with unresolved grief or an overwhelming fear you may lose this pregnancy, too. If you develop complications like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, or a weak cervix, you could fixate on the scary consequences your doctor warns you about like preterm birth, early loss, stroke, or stillbirth. The list goes on: People with a history of sexual abuse may equate pregnancy to their traumatic experiences, individuals with unplanned pregnancies may feel a loss of control, and some with unwanted pregnancies who want an abortion may struggle with their decision, even when they know they’re not ready for a kid, and, especially, when they live in an area where reproductive healthcare is restricted or banned.

Pregnancy is hard — on the brain and the body — whether it’s easy or medically complex, Olivia Pham, a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, told Vox. In fact, she said the vast majority of her clients did not enjoy their pregnancy for one reason or another. And many wind up feeling “robbed of this ideal pregnancy that society has told us we’re all going to have,” she said. 

Another thing: Not everyone feels an immediate connection to the baby (or babies) growing inside of them — a particularly common reaction among those with past losses or complications, as they may try to avoid becoming attached in case the unexpected occurs, Forray said. My pregnancy app constantly tells me to talk to my belly to foster a bond, but doing so feels weird and unnatural. Again, this disconnect — between how we think we should feel or act and how we truthfully feel and act — can trigger shame and reinforce “this narrative that I’m not a good mom, and it hasn’t even started yet,” Pham said. 

Here’s how to deal with hating pregnancy

The main thing Forray wants pregnant people to know is that feeling consistently happy during pregnancy is extremely rare, and whatever you’re feeling is valid. Not being all that jazzed about it doesn’t make you a bad person, a bad mother, or a bad partner, she added.

There isn’t a magic pill you can take that’ll carry you straight to cloud 9. Rather, the real key is to acknowledge there’s no right or wrong way to feel and that it’s normal to experience a wide range of thoughts and emotions. I’ll be the first to admit this is true: Some days, I feel excited and giddy. The next day, I’ll feel like I blew up my life. Other times, I simply feel grateful I’m able to continue my pregnancy at home and not in a hospital. 

When I asked Pham if there’s anything people like me should be doing to repair or improve their relationship with pregnancy, she said it’s actually better not to try and spin it in a positive way. She doesn’t try to fix her clients’ perceptions; that’d be toxic positivity, which is more harmful than helpful. Instead she “validates the absolute heck out of it.” 

That said, there are a few things that may help you cope. First, try to sit with your emotions, because the more you push them away, the louder they tend to get, Pham said. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or even a support group about whatever you’re going through. Journal about your emotions, make art, play music. If you’re able to, go for a walk or practice gentle stretching at home. All of these activities help us process tough emotions, which there is certainly no shortage of during pregnancy, Pham said. 

You might also consider seeing a therapist — ideally, one who focuses on perinatal mental health. Sometimes, you need more support than your friends or family can offer, Pham said. Some clues you do: you aren’t sleeping well, you’re super on edge, your appetite has changed, and you’re struggling to concentrate.

Lastly, do yourself a favor and stay off social media, as the algorithm does a fantastic job of sucking us into this loop of looking at idealized versions of pregnancy that create unrealistic expectations and pressure. Go easy on yourself; you’re going through a lot. As Forray told me, “it’s okay to not feel okay about being pregnant.”