The Party of Small Government Demands Twenty-Four-Hour Video Footage of Your Children

“GOP Ohio lawmaker calls for camera monitoring system to prevent child care fraud.” — Dayton Daily News

We Republicans know what you, the American people, want most: round-the-clock video surveillance of your children handed over directly to us, your freedom-loving government.

How else can we be sure that your hard-earned taxpayer money is well-spent? How do we know that Miss Taylor’s School for Tots isn’t secretly a Taco Bell masquerading as a childcare center? If two children playing aren’t being watched 24-7 through a live feed routed to a government agency, do they even exist?

We’re the party of parental choice, so you’ll have the option to either (a) subject your child to constant video surveillance in their childcare program or (b) keep them at home until they turn eighteen and are no longer your problem.

Now, some people might think this is a little bit much. Do we really need every childcare program to buy cameras to capture every second of our children learning how to pronounce their R’s? Couldn’t we instead fund our child care system appropriately, like other developed countries, so that child care programs can hire and retain qualified staff, and so they don’t need both a CPA certificate and a law degree just to do all the paperwork needed to access public funding?

We hear you: Access to affordable, quality childcare is not a priority for you. You don’t need silly little things like the ability to keep your job, or for your child to have the opportunity to learn and play with other kids their age. That’s socialism.

No, what you want most, what you need more than anything in the world right now, more than clean air to breathe, more than the ability to move around your neighborhood safely, more than accountability for those in power, is for live video of your child’s every move to be safely entrusted to us, your individual rights-loving government.

We’re looking out for you, the little guy. We’re absolutely not trying to decimate an entire sector of our economy that happens to be mostly made up of women. It’s not like we think women should stay at home and take care of the kids so we don’t have to.

Folks, you know you can trust us with minute-by-minute footage of your littles because we would never hand your sensitive information over to twenty-two-year-olds to sell to other criminals on the dark web.

And it’s not like we have a history of tear-gassing toddlers or rounding up five-year-olds and holding them in concentration camps as their health steadily declines.

No, this is all absolutely necessary to make sure that we root out fraud and corruption and deliver accountability to the American taxpayer.

After all, it’s perfectly ordinary that a bunch of Republican men like us really, really want access to an unprecedented amount of video footage of young, innocent children. It’s not like we were in the Epstein files 38,000 times.