Why Some Grown Kids Go 'No Contact' with Parents — and What to Consider Before Making the Drastic Move

Remember that time in college when your mom clearly stated she didn’t like your boyfriend—in front of your boyfriend? Or your kid’s last birthday when grandpa didn’t listen to your request for experiences versus gifts, and your tween could’ve opened their own toy shop? Family dynamics aren’t perfect. Many times, differences such as these set the stage for honest communication and a stronger connection. But what happens when issues don’t resolve, and negative patterns continue to hurt us? Is there a time to consider going “no contact?”

One quick look at your social media feed and you’ll see thousands of posts covering #nocontact — which Psychology Today defines as a strategy for protecting mental health by severing all communication with toxic individuals or family members to gain peace, safety, and self-respect. Add celebrities sharing stories about their own experiences to the internet, and it’s clear the idea of “protecting our peace” in this way has gained momentum and popularity.

Research shows, in fact, that anywhere from 27% to half of Americans are estranged from a close family member. Emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and years of mismatched parenting styles are a few reasons for the choice.

What to Consider Before Going No Contact

Megan B. Bartley, licensed therapist and founder of the Mindfulness Center, says that if you have a parent who is mentally and emotionally consistent, accountable, and aims to be understanding, you will likely want to maintain your relationship. Ceasing communication might become an option if your parent is more interested in meeting their own needs than in considering the needs of their adult children and grandchildren.

“The most common no contact is likely when a parent has an active addiction or money issues that are a direct threat to the adult child in a very physical and tangible way,” Bartley explains.

Actor Matthew McConaughey, with his usual openness, shared why he went no contact with his mother for eight years: “I was trying to find my own balance with fame and stuff. And I would share things with her … some of those things I would share might show up in the 6 o’clock news three days later,” he said on Red Table Talk.

This decision doesn’t come easily, and like in McConaughey’s case, doesn’t have to last a lifetime. Says marriage and family therapist Tiffany Keith, “I help clients distinguish going no contact as a last resort boundary when they remain in fight/flight/freeze/fawn [a collection of natural bodily reactions to stressful, frightening, or dangerous events], the majority of the time, when the relationship is more harmful than helpful.”

This begs the big question: Are your parents damaging or just, you know…irritating?

Brooklyn Beckham, model, content creator, and eldest son of David and Victoria Beckham, was recently very clear that his reason for going no contact is deeper than minor annoyances.  “I do not want to reconcile with my family. I’m not being controlled, I’m standing up for myself for the first time in my life,” Brooklyn said on social media. While we can’t know the nuances of their relationship, we do know that tensions like these escalate over time.

“The patterns that I see are the same patterns over generations, which include: Emotional and physical abuse, boundary violations, scapegoating, manipulation, and parentification,” Keith says.

Generational differences play a role in this emotional disconnect and pushback. Bartley says the Depression Era Generation (which raised the Baby Boomers) didn’t focus on mental and emotional well-being. “Boomers were not well equipped with how to be emotionally available in a way that today we now see the benefits of,” says Bartley. This is why it can feel impossible to bridge the generational/emotional gap.

What Steps Can You Take Before Totally Disconnecting?

Setting healthy boundaries to feel safe, talking to a therapist, and asking a family member to join you in therapy are a few options Keith suggests. Therapists provide a neutral environment for talking out complex emotional issues, and can also translate different communication styles so everyone in the session is on the same page. When setting boundaries or requesting group therapy, this may take several asks, because Bartley adds that adult children often have this conversation multiple times to see any progress.

When you reach your limit for how much time or energy you give, and still aren’t seeing a mutual exchange of respect, kindness, or compassion, you can choose to limit your time without going totally no contact, says Bartley. This can look like shortening the time you spend during the week, setting a limit to phone conversations, or limiting the number of yearly trips you take.

For those considering this weighty decision, expect to feel the big feels of grief and guilt. “The grief in this situation is overwhelming,” Bartley says. As a kid, you may have started grieving when dealing with hurt and disappointments, and now, as an adult, Bartley adds, you have likely been grieving for decades, wishing for the parent to be the parent you need them to be. Grief and guilt can be part of any big transition, and Keith that grieving a lost relationship is healthy if you process your feelings.

Finally, if you’ve made the choice to go no contact, know that healing manifests differently for everyone, Keith says, and learning to move forward and to love yourself when reconciliation isn’t possible is central to your healing journey. Research shows that adult children often feel happier and less stressed after cutting ties, and in many cases, this is not permanent: 81% of mother-child and 69% of father-child estrangements end. 

Make no mistake, this choice is difficult and involves choosing yourself or your kids over negative interactions with parents. We’re always our parents’ kid, and stepping back can feel impossible. When choosing to go no contact, put in place the support you need from friends, partners, or a therapist — and know that this decision doesn’t have to be forever. Finally, says Bartley, “This doesn’t make you selfish. This means you love yourself and you are trying your best to do what is best for you.”