'Sopranos' Rewatch: Why I Understand Carmela More As an (Almost) Empty Nester
I’ve been rewatching The Sopranos for the first time since its real-time finale in 2007, paying attention to all the ways it hits differently now that I’m a mom. And while I last focused on my reaction to Season 1 Episode 4, this time I can’t stop thinking about Season 3 Episode 12, “Amour Fou,” and Season 4 Episode 12, “Eloise” (yes, I’ve been all-in with my binge).
These episodes focus a lot on Carmela as a mom, who is pondering her purpose and identity as Meadow has left home to be a student at Columbia — something that really hits home as I prepare to see my own daughter off to college next year.
“Amour Fou,” while largely focused on Tony’s tempestuous affair with Gloria (played by the incredible Annabella Sciorra), opens with an intense scene of a different sort: Carmela and Meadow visiting Metropolitan Museum of Art together. Carmela is entranced by one painting in particular, Jusepe de Ribera’s The Holy Family with Saints Anne and Catherine of Alexandria (1648), and as she stares at the tenderness between the baby Jesus and Mother Mary, her eyes fill with tears.
Meadow, completely unmoved by this section of the museum, catches her reaction and asks her, “Are you crying?” (And what is more uncomfortable than watching your mom cry? I remember the feeling from when I was a teen, and now I see how it makes my daughter squirm.) Carmela explains why she’s so affected — “Just look at her, the little baby’s hand against her cheek. She’s so at peace…” — and I get it on a level I never could have before becoming a mom, which requires constantly letting go of your kid, and forever grieving their different stages of being.
Of course, later in the episode, when Carmela cries at a TV commercial about dogs, it becomes pretty clear that she’s dealing with menopause (never mind a serially unfaithful husband). But also, she’s trying to figure out her place in the world, and in the family, now that Meadow’s off on her own. And that could make anyone cry.
Carmela’s roiling emotions come spilling out again in “Eloise,” this time in the form of anger and resentment directed at Meadow, who is blossoming as a young woman living on her own in the city while attending Columbia. Carmela, meanwhile, is in a troubled marriage and has fallen in love with one of Tony’s business associates, finally allowing herself to feel strongly for someone who makes her feel cherished — but then he leaves the country suddenly, and without even saying goodbye.
Making matters worse for Carmela is Meadow’s ascension. The family goes to have dinner at Meadow’s apartment with their daughter and her roommates, who appear to intimidate Carmela (Tony, not so much) with their family wealth and all-around worldliness. She picks a fight with Meadow over the gay themes of Billy Budd (which AJ is reading in high school) and comes across as a homophobe to the young, open-minded Columbia students.
Later in the episode, Meadow reaches out to her mom in what seems like a peace offering, inviting her out for tea at the Plaza Hotel for her birthday (their tradition), and Carmela accepts with delight. Their date quickly turns hostile, though, with Carmela defensive about everything Meadow says, her resentment at her burgeoning independent life busting through.
While I don’t feel resentful about my daughter just starting out while I am way on the other side, and don’t recall my own mom acting out in this way, I can understand Carmela’s reactions. She’s feeling threatened and purposeless — and jealous — with Meadow striking out (and so successfully) with her newfound independence that’s not tied to a man. And in a world that devalues women and mothers in particular — paying them less while demanding unreasonable prices for childcare — it’s understandable that she’d feel lost and tossed away.
In short, despite still having AJ at home, it seems she’s got an early case of Empty Nest Syndrome, which a recent scientific analysis called a “transition from crisis to self-regaining” which “includes the stages of mourning or resistance reaction.”
Still to come — how Tony and Carmela parent through the crisis of AJ’s downfall and Meadow’s rejection.