Dear Abby: Woman told new romance needs to be kept a secret

DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship with "John" for two years. Because he had nowhere to go, he continued living with me for six months after I ended the relationship. John has burned every bridge he's ever had, including his parents and his brother. He is an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic.

John's brother, "Jerry," and I have now fallen for each other. We grew up together and have been friends our entire lives. We have discussed that if it weren't for this issue, we would marry. My problem is Jerry is sure his mother will disapprove. He says he would end our relationship if they found out about us and she is against it.

We are almost 50 years old. I believe we could be "just friends" to the outside world, including Jerry's parents, and keep our private lives to ourselves for now. He is not concerned about what John would think. We have both experienced this type of connection only once before in our lives. How do we tell friends, family and, most importantly, his parents? — FOUND THE ONE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FOUND: You and Jerry are nearly 50 years old. "We" shouldn't make any announcements to anyone. JERRY needs to be adult enough to summon up the courage to tell his mother he has fallen in love with you and plans to make you his wife. If he can't bring himself to do that, your relationship will eventually wither. Personally, I think it's time for you to take a step back so you won't be writing me about this problem a year or two or five from now. You deserve better treatment than this.

DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter who resides in another state and has had self-confidence issues since she was young. Her first marriage ended when she found out her husband was having affairs. Her second husband appears to be controlling but gives her stability, which she likes. When I visit them, he's rude and condescending, which I have tried to ignore as he is her choice.

Over the last 20 years, he has become increasingly controlling and rude to the point that I no longer want to visit them. While I miss my daughter, I know she is aware and will do nothing about his behavior. We talk on the phone but only on speaker when he is present.

Now the conundrum: Do I leave a sizable inheritance to her, which I know he will control? While I don't want her to feel I am punishing her for her choice in a husband, it makes me feel like I would be rewarding him for his rude behavior. — TORN DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAD: This is something you should discuss with your financial adviser. You do not have to reward her husband. You may be able to set up a trust for your daughter in which she receives a certain amount of money every month until her death. After that, the remainder of your estate might be left to a cause or charity of your choice.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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