The Onion’s 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide

The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race. 

Bugonia

Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles.

Defining Line: “Prepare to be bald, idiot!”

Prospects: Slim, but they said that about The Broadway Melody back in 1930, and that made us all look like a bunch of fucking idiots.

F1

Synopsis: Hotshot pilot Maverick must train a new class of Top Gun graduates while coping with the trauma of losing his best friend, Goose.

Defining Line: “The cars come alive, Ruben! Every night after we go to bed!”

Prospects: Can you imagine?

Frankenstein

Synopsis: Come on, everybody read the book in ninth grade.

Defining Line: “Father, father! My pud fell off! Please mend for Frankenstein!”

Prospects: Low, as we’re still holding out hope that The Bad Guys 2 makes a surprise come-from-behind.

Hamnet

Synopsis: A poignant drama that explores Agnes and William Shakespeare’s loss of their 11-year-old-son, which back then was considered pretty old, all things considered.

Defining line: “Remember the Alamo.”

Prospects: This film might just be forgettable enough to pull off the Best Picture win.

Sinners

Synopsis: Twin brothers return to Mississippi and face a sinister vampire threat while attempting to lose 500 pounds and qualify for bariatric surgery.

Defining Line: “Brother, look at us, we are being covetous. I guess that makes us…sinners.”

“Not sinners, brother. Twinners.”

Prospects: Bad. The Academy is like 70% vampires.

Marty Supreme

Synopsis: A cautionary tale about the dangers of giving Timothée Chalamet too much publicity.

Defining Line: “Pock… pock… pock….pock….”

Prospects: Not great Oscar-wise, but the spanking scene cleaned up at the AVNs.

One Battle After Another

Synopsis: Loosely based on Thomas Pynchon’s Vineland, Paul Thomas Anderson proves he can read.

Defining Line: “They took my daughter! Quick, start an online petition!”

Prospects: The Academy could have sworn they awarded this Best Picture already.

The Secret Agent

Synopsis: A professor fleeing a military dictatorship in Brazil confuses the hell out of your father who thought this was going to be the next Bourne movie

Defining Line: “Don’t worry, you can trust me. I’m not a secret agent.”

Prospects: ICE agents are manning the stage just in case.

Sentimental Value

Synopsis: A profoundly resonant family drama written by and for people far smarter than you.

Defining Line: “Hooten-dooten, bork bork!”

Prospects: Nothing can stop the long march of Norwegian cultural domination.

Train Dreams

Synopsis: A wildfire reduces a man’s wife and young daughter to ash, freeing him up for an epic boys’ night.

Defining Line: “I can’t wait until someone invents the internet so I can watch pornography.”

Prospects: A tossup, as the Academy is big on dreams, but famously unmoved by trains.

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