Self-Harm in Teens: What Parents Need to Know and How to Help a Child Who Is Hurting
The realization that your adolescent is engaging in self-harm can start with something subtle, like a sleeve pulled down quickly when someone walks into the room. A scratch that doesn’t quite make sense. A sudden habit of locking the bathroom door. Sometimes a teacher calls. Sometimes another parent says something. Sometimes a mom or dad simply notices small cuts on their child’s arm or upper thighs and feels their stomach drop.
And suddenly the questions come rushing in: Why would my child do this? How did I miss the signs? What am I supposed to do now?
For many parents, discovering self-harm feels like the ground suddenly shifting beneath their feet. On Reddit parenting threads, moms have shared feeling “rather helpless,” “worried that if I take her and force her to talk to someone about what she is doing to herself I might make the situation worse,” “scared,” and “heartbroken.”
Mental health professionals say these reactions are incredibly common, with parents often feeling shock, guilt, and fear all at once.
Self-harm can feel terrifying and deeply confusing for parents. But experts say one thing is critical to understand: self-injury is often a signal of emotional pain — not a desire to die — and with the right support, teens can learn healthier ways to cope.
What Self-harm Actually Is (and What It Isn’t)
Self-harm or non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), previously called “cutting,” refers to intentionally hurting one’s own body as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions. “Self-harm is the act of intentionally causing harm to the body in an attempt to cope with emotional distress,” says Caitlin Severin, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Northern California who specializes in working with teens.
Common forms include:
- Cutting with razor blades or sharp objects
- Burning the skin
- Scratching or picking wounds so they don’t heal
- Hitting oneself
Despite how alarming these behaviors are, the goal is usually not suicide. “As described in the name ‘non-suicidal self-injury,’ a key component is that it is not intended to cause death,” explains Severin, who is also the co-founder of CultivaTeen Roots, an online learning platform for parents and caregivers of teens. “It often serves as a release for challenging emotions, pain, guilt, shame, or feelings of low self-esteem or numbness.”
Jeanette Lorandini, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Suffolk DBT, a therapy practice serving families across Long Island and New York City, says this misunderstanding is common. “In my clinical work with adolescents, self-harm is often misunderstood,” Lorandini says. “Most teens who engage in self-injury are not trying to die; they’re trying to cope. It’s usually a way to release overwhelming emotional pain or regulate feelings that feel too intense to manage.”
How Common Is Self-harm Among Teens?
Self-harm is more common among adolescents than many parents realize. Large international studies suggest that roughly one in five teenagers report engaging in non-suicidal self-injury at some point, according to global meta-analyses published in journals such as JAMA Network Open. Researchers estimate that between about 16% and 22% of adolescents report self-harm behaviors over their lifetime, with girls consistently reporting higher rates than boys in many studies.
In the United States, mental-health researchers have also seen troubling increases in recent years. A 2025 study examining youth emergency department visits in California found a sharp rise in self-harm incidents among adolescents, particularly among girls ages 10 to 14. This is a trend researchers say may reflect broader national patterns.
At the same time, newer research suggests the picture is more complicated. A 2025 study in JAMA Network Open found that while self-harm rates among teens may not be climbing as quickly as they once were, large disparities remain across gender, race, and LGBTQ+ youth.
Experts say the takeaway for parents is simple: self-harm is not rare and it’s something families should be aware of, even if it’s uncomfortable to talk about.
Why Teens Sometimes Turn to Self-injury
Adolescence is already an emotionally intense period, and not every teen has the tools to handle those feelings yet. “Teenagers often experience emotions very intensely, but many haven’t yet developed the skills to manage those feelings,” Lorandini says. “Self-harm can become a maladaptive coping strategy when emotions feel too big, too fast, or too confusing to handle.”
Severin says many teens describe self-injury as a way to release internal pressure. “I have had many teens describe their self-harm experience as a way to release all the negative feelings they harbor internally,” she says.
There’s also a biological component. “When teens self-harm, the neurochemicals involved in pain are released in the brain,” Severin explains. “Endorphins are released, which can create a feeling of relief or calm. That’s one reason this behavior can become habit-forming.” In other words: the behavior can temporarily work, which makes it harder to stop.
Warning Signs Parents Might Miss
Self-harm is often hidden, and many teens go to great lengths to conceal it. “Parents often expect obvious signs, but self-harm can be very hidden,” Lorandini says.
Experts say some early warning signs include:
- Wearing long sleeves or covering arms even in warm weather
- Unexplained cuts, scratches, or marks on the body
- Spending long periods in the bathroom or behind locked doors
- Increased secrecy or isolation
- Withdrawal from friends or activities
- Sudden mood changes or increased shame
While these signs don’t always mean a child is self-harming, they can be signals that a teen is struggling emotionally.
What Parents Should Do If They Suspect Self-harm
Again, finding out or even suspecting that your child is hurting themselves can trigger panic, anger, or overwhelming fear. But experts say the first step is staying calm. “The most helpful first step is for parents to stay calm and approach their child with curiosity rather than panic or punishment,” Lorandini says.
How parents respond in that moment can shape whether a child opens up or shuts down. Severin cautions against shame-based reactions. “Shame-based responses like ‘What were you thinking?’ or overly emotional reactions can cause the child to shut down and withdraw even more,” she says.
Instead, experts recommend starting with empathy. Severin suggests something like: “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m so sorry that you are hurting. We’re going to get you help so you can have safer ways of dealing with these big feelings.”
Lorandini offers a similar approach. “I’ve noticed you seem really distant lately and I’m here if you’d like to talk.” These types of statements signal safety rather than judgment; something teens desperately need when they’re struggling.
Why Professional Help Matters
Even if a teen insists the behavior is “not a big deal,” experts say self-harm should always be taken seriously. It is often a signal that a child needs support coping with emotional pain.
Therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be especially effective. “DBT teaches teens practical skills to regulate emotions, tolerate distress, and navigate difficult situations without harming themselves,” Lorandini says.
At her practice, families are often involved in treatment as well. “In multi-family groups, parents learn the same skills their teen is using,” she explains. “Parents learn to regulate and so do their teens. It’s powerful to see the family environment shift together.”
What Parents Should Remember
When parents discover self-harm, it can feel like everything is suddenly out of control.
But mental health professionals emphasize several key truths:
- Self-harm is usually a signal of emotional pain, not a wish to die.
- Teens are more likely to seek help when they feel understood rather than judged.
- With therapy and support, most teens can learn healthier ways to cope.
For parents, the most important message is simple but powerful. Your child isn’t trying to hurt you. They’re trying to tell you they’re hurting. And with the right help and a parent willing to listen, healing is possible.
If you or your child is struggling with self-harm or emotional distress, help is available through the following:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 or chat via 988lifeline.org for free, confidential support available 24/7 in the United States. Trained counselors can help during mental health crises and connect families with local resources.
Crisis Text Line: Teens and parents can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor via text message. The service is free and available around the clock.
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) HelpLine: Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or text NAMI to 62640 for information, resources, and emotional support related to mental health challenges. The helpline connects families with trained specialists who can guide them toward treatment and local support services.
Teen Line: A peer-to-peer hotline where teens can talk to trained teen listeners about mental health struggles, including self-harm. Teens can call 800-852-8336 or text during evening hours for confidential support.
You can also reach out to licensed mental health professionals specializing in adolescent care.