Exhausted Nation Lacks Strength To Form Opinion On Donald Glover Being Voice Of Yoshi

WASHINGTON—Claiming their mind was solely occupied by the hope of curling up in a ball and sleeping as long as they were allowed, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Thursday they lacked the strength to form an opinion on Donald Glover’s casting as the voice of Yoshi in The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. “At some point, in ideal conditions, maybe I would be able to cobble together some feelings about Donald Glover playing a digital dinosaur, but right now I’m tired—very, very tired,” said Wisconsin resident Gina Logan, echoing the sentiment of 340 million Americans who felt themselves getting physically weaker at the mere thought of issuing a judgment on whether the Atlanta creator had the right experience and energy to faithfully represent the iconic video game character. “Quite frankly, I don’t have the mental bandwidth to wonder if the fact that he’s Black should make me feel any sort of way. There’s just so much right now. There’s so much, and all I want is to sit down and let it all wash over me. What are we talking about again—a dinosaur? Is that it? Sorry, I just… Do you ever feel so wiped out that it almost hurts to speak? I think I just need to take a beat for myself.” At press time, the entire nation was reportedly sitting with their face in their hands and groaning after being asked what they made of the upcoming musical biopic Michael.

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