Introducing: Free Time
From the innovators who brought you Taking a Nap and Just Chilling, Free Time is a luxury experience beyond your wildest dreams.
Free Time isn’t just a new product—it’s a total wellness optimization platform. It’s not an app but rather a mind-blowing vessel of unstructured time where you can do anything your heart desires, or nothing at all.
Your Free Time comes loaded with options that are as boundless as your imagination. You can lie on the couch and read a novel, or just space out and drool. Go for a walk if you want. Stop and stare at a bird and take dozens of pictures, if that’s your kink.
Do you want to buy a big pretzel from that German food truck and eat it for twenty minutes, even though that sounds like way too long? Go for it. This is Free Time. Dip it in cheese and stand around like an idiot while you chew your pretzel and watch everyone run around like rats. Why are they all so fast and angry? Because they don’t have Free Time.
Want lower blood pressure? Less work anxiety? Fewer violent urges? Free Time delivers all of those according to groundbreaking research at the Johns Hopkins School of Leisure.
Would you like to wander around a nearby park, randomly try a headstand, then give up, and buy three different types of tacos? That’s been a core feature of Free Time since day one.
Our competitors offer products like “Overscheduled Vacation” and “Performative Hobby to Brag About on Instagram.” But peer-reviewed studies show that these products require constant maintenance, and Free Time is up to 83 percent more effective at letting you just lie in the grass and twirl a stick while you think, “Dude, life slaps.”
We’ve even upped the ante with Free Time 2.0. In previous versions, a random birthday party for your coworker Trevor could sneak onto your calendar, destroying your Free Time. In 2.0, we’ve removed Trevor, and you won’t see his text messages anymore.
Questions? Read on.
FAQs
“Isn’t Free Time for kids? It feels morally wrong for me to have some.”
Absolutely not. Free Time is suitable for all ages.
“How come I’ve never heard of Free Time before?”
Because society is sick.
“How do I activate the ‘do nothing’ feature?”
This is one of Free Time’s most popular features. To activate, simply fire up your Free Time, then don’t do anything else.
“Is Free Time bad for me?”
No. Who told you that?
“My wife/husband/in-law learned I have Free Time, and they became aggressive.”
Don’t worry. Your purchase includes a defense guide with quick responses—e.g., “I am a human, and all humans need Free Time!” or “Hey, look, a squirrel!”
“Trevor FaceTimed me during my Free Time and asked, ‘Hey, you coming to my birthday party?’ Help!”
Contact customer support. We will deal with Trevor.
“I feel like I’m letting everyone down when I have Free Time. How do I stop the shame?”
These feelings are natural. Just fire up your Free Time. Then wander over to a matinee movie and eat a large popcorn. Then, go home and read a book called An Illustrated History of Dragons and have pancakes for dinner. The guilt will recede into the background.
“Should I answer my phone during Free Time?”
We don’t recommend it. It might be a call from your uncle “T-Bone,” who just got out of prison and wants you to invest in his personal cryptocurrency, T-Coin. Don’t pick up. Don’t let T-Bone take your Free Time.
WARNING: Free Time has been proven addictive in FDA clinical trials. Side effects include a relaxed shit-eating grin that will make people think you’re up to no good. Free Time may make you reflect on your pathological need to overstuff your calendar to prove your self-worth. It is not refundable or transferable. Free Time is part of a balanced lifestyle that should also include “Actually Doing Things” and “Contributing to Your Family and Society.” Please use Free Time responsibly.