Someone Who Will Never Be Pleased

I have been participating in a writing workshop about grandmothers. The course has brought to mind numerous memories about my maternal grandmother. We didn’t have a warm relationship. We had very little relationship at all. However, as a granddaughter, I experienced much less negative impact from her than my mother did. My grandmother was one of those people who is impossible to please.

I suspect that in every family this dilemma exists between certain family members. In your family history, is there someone you’ve always tried to please because you wanted their approval? Or, have you watched this dynamic play out between particular family members?

Growing up, I watched as my maternal grandmother bullied my mother over the years. My mother sought her approval and always hoped to receive it because she never gave up. As I was thinking about the origin of my name, I became aware, once again, of this predictable scenario.

My maternal grandmother, Ethel, gave birth to her last child, Nadine, fairly late in her life. Only eighteen months after this, I was born. This made for a unique family dynamic, as Nadine was technically my aunt. How Nadine got her name is connected to how I got my name. My grandmother’s middle daughter, Mary, took it upon herself to name her little sister. Mary offered her mother several names at the time of Nadine’s birth. One of the names was Jane. However, it was agreed that Nadine, a Russian sounding name, was far more interesting than Jane or the others so, Nadine she was.

When I was a young adult, I asked my mother how she chose my name. She looked a little sheepish and told me her sister Mary had suggested Jane as one of the possibilities for their little sister Nadine. My mother confessed that she named me Jane because she hoped it would please her mother. So, it seems I got the name that was Nadine’s runner up. I think it was difficult for my mother to share this with me. It seems she only named me to please her mother and win her mother’s acceptance. Which is kind of sad, because it seems that my mother didn’t care what my name was. For my mother, her hopes of gaining approval from her mother were doomed to fail. From everything I observed over their lifetimes, my grandmother never cared what my mother had named me.

Granddaughters often hope for or expect to receive approval and affection from their grandmothers. I never felt I received any grandmotherly affection from my mother’s mother. And I made peace with this through my awareness of how she treated my mother. She was critical and nasty to my mother. I could see that it wasn’t that my mother and I were not deserving of her affection, but that she was incapable of giving it.

If I could speak to my mother about this today, I would say I think your mother was jealous of you. And I would tell her that I saw how much she deserved affection. As a daughter, I could see how my mother was kind, helpful and always offering herself. Her good deeds never got her what she hoped for.

The truth is, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve been very happy with Jane. I like Jane for its elegance. It’s short and sweet and it goes well with my last name, Knox. Four letters in both first and last names. And, my name is easy to remember. Jane is a name I have liked living into. Despite the sad reason for my naming, I have felt only positive about Jane. My name may never have pleased my grandmother, but it pleases me.

This originally appeared on The Ageless Goddess blog.

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