Harriette Cole: My parents waited until I was 18 to tell me the truth
DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was 18 years old, my parents told me I was adopted.
Although I had grown up in a safe home and had been provided for by my adoptive parents, I felt lied to because I was never told this was not my biological family.
As I entered adulthood, I began to search for my biological parents to understand exactly where I come from and what my biological heritage is.
I’m trying to let go of these feelings of betrayal and understand where my adopted family was coming from.
Please advise on ways for me to open up the lines of communication while respecting my personal boundaries. I’m seeking to understand and let go of resentment; however, I still want them to understand how painful this process has been for me.
— Adoption
DEAR ADOPTION: When parents adopt a child, they do so out of a tremendous desire to welcome a child into their family. They want more than anything to care for this precious being, and the child does become theirs. It can later become enormously difficult to find a time to tell the child that they were born to other people.
Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. They love you. They welcomed you into their world when, for whatever reason, your biological parents couldn’t care for you.
This is hard all the way around — for you and for them. They told you when they thought you had the capacity to handle the news. Don’t shut them out.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son just bought a motorcycle. I don’t know if this is some version of a midlife crisis, but I need help stopping him!
He is nearly 40 and a single dad. He is the only parent his daughter has, and I don’t want her to lose him because he’s finally found his wild side. I was a nurse for over 25 years, and during that time, I have never seen a motorcyclist survive an accident.
I have tried talking to my son about this, reminding him of the people who need him, but he believes he’s invincible and that being careful can prevent tragedies. He has signed up for lessons to learn how to ride, and he thinks that will be his saving grace.
I don’t mean to sound paranoid, but I don’t think he realizes how risky this choice is, especially when he has a perfectly safe car he can use. I’m worried. How can I change his mind?
— Biker Dad
DEAR BIKER DAD: You already know that you cannot control your son. What you can do is talk to him about safety measures and specific ways to protect his daughter. It’s good he’s taking lessons. What about insurance? Even though he’s a young man, suggest that he buy a sizable life insurance policy — at least a million dollars — in his daughter’s name. While money won’t replace him, if he is killed in an accident, there will be resources to care for her.
Be mindful not to constantly complain about his bike. You don’t want to draw negativity toward him. Just encourage him to be safe — and ask him not to take his daughter on the bike.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.