Tales from the Coffeeshop: Enjoying living in fear as war brings back glory days of Covid

THE BOMBING War against Iran has revived the Covid spirit among our paranoid countrymen who enjoy having a reason to live in fear every minute of the day.

Nicosia’s streets, which are usually empty early on Saturday morning, were heaving with traffic yesterday as the paranoid, vaccine junkies of the pandemic years were out in numbers for some wartime shopping and to fill up their cars with petrol because the price had gone up by a couple of cents since Monday.

There were queues at petrol stations, while supermarkets, according to reports, could not restock their shelves fast enough as Covid nostalgia sufferers bought supplies of toilet paper and other essentials to last them a year.

The government helped re-create the pandemic vibe with the sending of big brother text messages advising us to “take the self-protection measures as posted on the Ministry of Interior’s website.” The self-protection measures, if there was basement in your neighbourhood advised to “head immediately towards it, on foot and with composure.”

If there is no basement in the neighbourhood, “stay in the building, away from doors, glass and windows.” If you are outdoors “move to the closest indoor space.” And don’t forget to walk calmly, or you might be fined.

IN ANOTHER throwback to the paranoid years of the pandemic there is also mass vaccination programme, the only disappointment being that it is sheep, goats and cows that are being compulsorily vaccinated by the authorities. Covid nostalgists, who are feeling strong urges for a vaccine could head to Dromolaxia and if they moo convincingly a kind vet might sort them out.

PREZNIKTWO was happy to take the role of wartime leader, twice addressing the people in the space of three days, but his cliché-ridden speeches indicated that he is no Churchill. Thankfully we shall not fight on the beaches, which remain exclusively for sunbathing.

Our country, he assured us on both occasions, “is not participating in any way, nor does it intend to constitute a part of any military operation,” news that must have been welcomed by the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps and mullahs in Iran.

More importantly, our war leader said “we would remain dedicated to our humanitarian role that we have served all this time, always as part of the solution and never as part of the problem” – not even the Cyprob.

DESPITE the assurances of the government that Kyproulla was not a target, the Prez still arranged for warships from Greece, Spain, Italy and France to arrive in the seas surrounding the island to offer it protection in case some missile or drone missed the original target and headed in our direction.

It was an impressive achievement by the Prez to get other countries to defend Kyproulla, even though he has been telling us for the last year that our defence capability has been boosted. A metrios-drinking military expert that visits our establishment speculated that the main reason these countries were happy to send ships to protect Kyproulla, was because they did expect any missiles to come this way.

So far, one drone fired by Hezbollah hit the runways at Akrotiri base last Sunday and another two were reportedly intercepted the following day. That was all the action we had apart from a couple of false alarms.

EVERYONE wants to defend our Kyproulla from the non-existent threat of missile attacks. On Sunday it was reported that Turkey would send four F-16 fighters to the island, just like Greece had done a few days earlier. They will not be based at Andreas Papandreou air base where the Greek fighters are, but would reportedly have the same mission.

On Tuesday Turkey claimed it had shot down a missile heading to Kyproulla, which was quite a moving gesture if it were true, which it was probably not. That Greece and Turkey have put aside their differences to protect poor Kyproulla (there was no Turkish protest about the arrival of the Greek fighters here) is one of the most heart-warming stories of this war.

THE FACT that the harmless hit on Kyproulla landed in the British bases sparked the familiar debate that we have every four or five years about the Brits returning bases territory to the republic.

It was an outrage that our peace-loving, humanitarian country was being targeted because of the presence of British bases, complained lawyers and journalists, who demanded that the government activated procedures to have them removed. The self-righteous fury lasts a few days and usually resurfaces several years later.

Anyway, the government, reluctant to take a position has come up with a stock answer when the matter of the bases is brought up. When Mini Me was asked on Monday about calls for the renegotiation of the status of the bases, he said. “In this context we do not rule out anything.”

Asked a similar question on Thursday, the Prez said: “I do not rule out anything.” He also managed to throw in the quote that “we are always part of the solution.”

A COFFEESHOP regular (skettos) who ended up in Dubai, waiting to get on a flight to return to the pillar of stability and security tried to follow all the procedures stipulated by the Republic.

Having arrived on the Saturday the war began, he registered with Connect2Cy platform so he would be able to get on a repatriation flight. Once he filled the ‘Repatriation’ form, he called the Cyprus embassy in Abu Dhabi to ask if he was on the list for the Cyprus Airways flight leaving on Wednesday.

When he was told he was not, he asked what the criteria for getting the flight were. He was told by the embassy worker that priority was given to families with children under 18 and people with health problems. But nowhere in the repatriation form he had filled was the applicant asked anything about health problems.

How did the authorities know that you had a health problem and were eligible to be given priority if there was no such question in the form, he asked. The flustered embassy worker gave up trying to persuade the caller that there was a procedure and criteria.

“Look, we are not the ones who decide who gets on the flight, it is the foreign ministry,” she said. It was a coded way of telling him that if you know someone in Kyproulla, you can get on the flight even if your health problem is a runny nose.

AFRAID that the associating of Kyproulla with the fighting in Iran would affect tourist bookings, deputy minister of tourism Costas Koumis tried to offer reassurance to foreign visitors and tourism professionals.

“Our country was, is and will be a safe tourist destination,” he told Politis. It was very important that this message reached tour agents as well as visitors, he said. If there is an advertising campaign, it should make the point that we are a safe tourist destination, because we are protected by the warships of five Nato countries and the F-16s of Greece and Turkey.

I WAS informed just at the last minute that today is International Women’s Day, so I was unable to write something about it. I would still like to wish all our female customers a very happy Women’s Day and may the Lord soon give us gender equality.

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