Jeff Burkhart: Let’s get this party started — safely

Sometimes I feel like the new sheriff in town — not like Gene Hackman’s aggressive character in “Unforgiven,” but more like Gary Cooper in “High Noon.” That’s because in the service environment, you’re going to have to interact with everyone eventually. And in a tipped environment, that interaction is going to directly affect your income.

“I’m gonna do a martini,” said a man with watery eyes.

What was he going to “do” to his martini when it came? Because you don’t “do” drinks. People “do” drugs. And even though alcohol might be the most common of drugs, you don’t really do it, now do you?

But for some reason, using illegal substance nomenclature for legal substances adds a bit of mystique. However, it can also get you into trouble. Drugs and alcohol don’t mix and certainly don’t mix in a bar. In fact, according to California law, if a bar is perceived to do that, or even allow it to happen, they can lose their liquor license even if, in fact, they themselves didn’t do it. Operators can claim ignorance all they want, but if the authorities decide that they probably should have known, that’s all it takes. It’s called “disorderly house,” and it has wide latitude.

I made the martini as instructed and set it down. Watery eyes aren’t enough of a reason to not serve somebody, especially not now at the beginning of allergy season.

As a professional bartender, you have to be RBS certified, and part of the responsible beverage service curriculum is recognizing illegal drug use. What professional bartenders are not is the fun police. We have to balance the law with the playfulness of working in a “party” environment.

Mr. Watery Eyes wandered around the bar, moving from group to group, as if a bar were a cocktail party. It isn’t. But some people just can’t seem to figure that out.

“Look, it’s date night for me and my wife, and we’d rather just talk to each other,” said the man sitting next to his wife.

Mr. Watery Eyes then wandered outside a couple of times. “I only smoke when I drink” is something I’ve heard 1,000 times. Luckily, these days people have to do that outside.

After Mr. Watery Eyes wandered up to a table with two couples and interrupted their conversation enough that they had to ask him to stop, it became obvious that an intervention was forthcoming.

And while interventions are actually rare for bartenders, they are typically not so rare for the intervened. I personally have never been asked to leave an establishment. I suspect that I’d be outraged, embarrassed or even ashamed, depending upon the situation. But I certainly wouldn’t take it in stride.

“Hey, buddy,” I said to Mr. Watery Eyes. “You’ve got to stop bothering other people.”

“OK,” he said, taking it in stride.

Then he sat down next to a solo woman sitting at the bar. I looked him dead in the eyes and cocked my head in a way that said, “Don’t do it.” He looked at me. And I looked at him. He then turned and looked at the woman, and then he looked back at me. A line had been drawn in the sand, and he had stepped right up to it. He opened his mouth to say something, and I cocked my head to the other side. He then wisely closed his mouth. The woman, who had dodged a bullet without even realizing it, then got up to go to the restroom.

He went outside again, and then a few minutes later he returned and tried to order a drink.

“I think that’s enough,” I said.

“Are you cutting me off?” he asked.

“I am,” I said.

“But I’m not drunk,” he said.

“Well, you’re acting pretty strangely, and I don’t think I should be serving you,” I said.

“I’m not drunk,” he said. “I’m just really stoned.”

“Oh,” I replied. “Thanks for clarifying, because now I really can’t serve you.”

He took that in stride too. And eventually he left.

The woman returned from the bathroom and took her seat.

“What happened to the guy who was just here?” she asked.

“He left,” I replied.

“Too bad,” she said. “He was kind of cute.”

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• Not everyone’s goalposts are the same, and neither are their guardrails.

• Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges. But we do need RBS certification, apparently.

• Cannabis and alcohol cannot be combined on an alcohol-licensed premise in California under any circumstances. That means both CBD and THC.

• People are now doing caviar “bumps” off of the perlicue of their hand (between thumb and forefinger). Silly is as silly does.

• Bartenders might not be the fun police, but every once in a while, you can feel like the sheriff in an old Western, and it’s just about noon.

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender, Vol. I and II,” the host of the Barfly Podcast on iTunes (as seen in the NY Times) and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.net and contact him at jeffbarflyIJ@outlook.com