“Just Peachy,” and Other Fruity Feelings

“Just peachy”
Things are going well… not!

“Very cherry”
You’ve got a pit in your stomach.

“Basically banana”
Today feels like your day.
You weren’t ready yesterday,
tomorrow’s not guaranteed, but today?
Your golden window of opportunity.
You’re basically banana.

“Somewhat strawberry”
Things may seem good on the surface, but deep down, there’s mold.

“Pretty pomegranate”
What seemed like a great idea turned out to be a lot of fucking work for very little reward. You’re feeling disillusioned. And your hands are sticky.

“Fairly pear”
You’re feeling like you were only invited
because someone juicier couldn’t make it.

“Totally tangerine”
You’re a cool girl. Much easier to peel than a normal orange. You’re just going with the flow, even if that flow is laughing politely at a man’s joke about how much he hates you.

“Utterly gooseberry”
You’re feeling like no one understands you, or even really knows who you are.

“Wholly watermelon”
You’re feeling super seedy. Like you’re in the adult section of an abandoned Blockbuster, or a dimly lit room full of people in masks, taking The Oath. Hold on, you pledge to serve who?!

“Principally pineapple”
Your main concern is getting an alcoholic beverage in you—stat!

“Positively kiwi”
This one has two meanings:

1. You’re feeling like you’re going to surprise yourself today, like you’re going to be a version of yourself you don’t typically get to see, but that version will be fun, unexpected, and leave a lasting impact.

2. You’re from New Zealand.

“Mostly mango”
You’re feeling chronically dehydrated,
but people seem to like this version of you.

“Downright dragon fruit”
You’re super horned up after reading that fantasy romance novel everyone was talking about. Still, you have to go to work, so it’s best to forget the striking resemblance between the book’s protagonist and Jason from Accounting.

“A touch of key lime”
You’re missing Jimmy Buffett. Me too, bud. Me too.

“Primarily cranberry”
It’s the holidays, so you’re having to put up with that one aunt. God, Aunt Stephanie. She’s an aunt by marriage, and that marriage ended in 2009. So like, why is she still here? She didn’t even bring any food or gifts! Her son, Jeremy, is from a different marriage in 2014. Last Thanksgiving, she forgot him at your house for like two days, and he told your kids Santa isn’t real. And, oh God, apparently Steph’s bringing her three large dogs this year too. Isn’t life just primarily cranberry?

“Loosely lingonberry”
You’re craving socialized health care. (This is a common Swedish greeting.)

“Typically tomato”
You’re feeling contrarian, and boy, will you make it known.

Illustrations by Alison Dominguez.