Kim Jong Un Can’t Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys

PYONGYANG—Tears welling in his eyes as he remarked upon how quickly things change, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un reportedly told aides Wednesday he couldn’t believe his daughter Kim Ju Ae was already old enough to be executing boys. “It’s incredible to think that just a few years ago, she barely knew the words to condemn one of her playmates to a life of forced labor, and now she’s already old enough to be meeting boys and issuing them death sentences,” said Kim, sighing with nostalgia as he reminisced about the bygone days when he could bring a smile to his daughter’s face with something as simple as a firing squad. “Now, of course, she’s totally crazy about executing boys, whether it’s a political dissident in one of her classes or a Western propagandist she met at the movie theater. It’s all new and exciting to her at the moment, but I know in the blink of an eye, she’ll be settling down and getting involved with a more steady, years-long political massacre. Ah well, ‘sunrise, sunset.'” Kim added that tough as it was, a little heartbreak like this was just part of being an omnipotent god-king.

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