Our Company Mourns a Beloved Employee, Whom We Must Replace Immediately
The Synergistic Synergies Subsidiaries family is devastated to announce the loss of our Chief Happiness Architect, Wayne Tillerson, an invaluable member of our corporate family whose vacant position is already accepting applications through our HR portal.
Wayne will be remembered for his attention to detail, time management, and intermediate Microsoft Word skills, as well as his ability to scale cross-functional employee morale improvements and non-monetary workplace incentive packages aligned with corporate KPIs. He can never be replaced, but we need someone just like him, or preferably better, by next week’s shareholder meeting.
As a devotee of education, Wayne held a bachelor’s degree in finance from Northwestern’s Southeastern Illinois campus, though he should have used our industry-leading tuition assistance to earn an MBA, a mandatory requirement for future hires in this position. Wayne loved hiking, gardening, and the outdoors, and he often camped, using our company’s generous nine days of annual PTO (available after eighteen months of employment). He was passionate about traveling for a required 25 percent of his working hours. Wayne enjoyed cruising the Great Lakes region in a mid-size company sedan with a standard fuel reimbursement of twenty-three cents per gallon and a four-star safety rating (which is why our company is not liable for his fatal accident on the icy roads outside our Poughkeepsie branch).
Synergistic Synergies Subsidiaries CEO Marc Vasterhorner captured the entire company’s grief eloquently through an interoffice memo composed by Sacha, our Sentient AI Content Harnesser & Author: “I don’t know how we can replace Walt, but any employee that recommends the candidate we hire will receive a fifty-dollar referral bonus and their choice of a mini cupcake or brownie bite.”
Wayne is survived by his dedicated wife, children, and administrative staff, including two executive assistants and an unpaid intern (available summers only). Wayne’s passing at such a young age is a shock, especially given our robust health insurance benefits, which pay 60 percent of approved in-network care after a $5,000 deductible. An exercise fanatic, he was a fixture of our sleek, newly renovated company fitness center, where he maintained his ability to lift items up to twenty pounds, a legal requirement for this position.
Wayne’s dying wish was for the company to hire an ambitious self-starter with five to eight years of relevant experience to complete his Maximizing Corporate Happiness at Minimum Cost report before the next fiscal quarter. Wayne was a loyal employee, meaning he could not have been the whistleblower who leaked safety inspection reports alleging that our HANDIVAC 5000 nozzle attachments caused fifty-seven accidental castrations (and because Wayne was not the whistleblower, there’s no reason to suspect that Synergistic Synergies Subsidiaries tampered with his vehicle moments before his tragic crash).
Wayne’s memorial service will be held tomorrow at Grace Life Church, and employees are encouraged to attend via Microsoft Teams with seventy-two hours’ advance approval from their supervisors. In lieu of flowers, please send résumés of qualified candidates to hr@synergisticsynergiessubsidiaries.com.