How to make friends when you’re an introvert

Globally, the majority of people say they’re extroverted, and if you’re an introvert, you may feel out of touch, out of sync, or disconnected. You may also struggle to find friends, make friends, or sustain friendships. But it’s possible to feel not only connected and fulfilled, but also comfortable with yourself as an introvert.

It’s a critical issue today. We’ve all become more isolated, with increasing numbers of people who say they’re lonely or they don’t have enough friends. Relationships are critical to physical, cognitive, and emotional well-being. 

But it’s possible to create great friendships at work and in life, even if you’re an introvert.

THE IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIP

No matter what your personality style, friends are critical to your happiness and health. In fact, when you have a few close friends, it drives health outcomes like blood pressure, heart health, cancer, dementia, depression, and anxiety, according to multiple studies by Brigham Young University. Incredibly, the studies showed that the effects of friendship on health were greater than exercise or dieting habits and about the same as smoking.

You can make friends in lots of places, but most people report they make their friends in school or at work, according to data from YouGov. 

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN INTROVERT

But if you’re an introvert, how do you make friends? These are the primary strategies that can help.

1. Remove the Pressure

One of the first strategies is to manage your mindset. Estimates are that globally, about 60% of people say they are extroverted. As a result, you might feel pressure to have tons of friends in tons of places with whom you do tons of things. 

But as an introvert, you’re wise to get comfortable with your own preferences. You’re likely happy to have fewer friends and to spend time alone. You probably also feel depleted if you’re with people too much and you gain energy when you can rejuvenate on your own. Get comfortable with yourself and what feels best for you.

You can also distinguish between being lonely and being alone. There’s a lot of press on loneliness today, with 50% of people who say they’re lonely, globally. But there’s a difference between being lonely and alone. It’s largely a matter of control. If you’ve been invited to go out with friends and you’ve chosen to stay home on the couch instead, you’re unlikely to feel lonely. If you don’t feel like you have friends you can hang out with when you want, you’re more likely to feel truly lonely. Be aware of the difference, so you don’t assume you’re lonely just because you’re spending time on your own. 

Remind yourself that everyone doesn’t have to be an extrovert. Check in with yourself about whether you’re happy to be alone or whether you want to make a few more friends. And validate your own preferences for fewer relationships.

2. Find Common Interests

If you determine you’d like to get more connected, a surefire way to do that is to find people who have common interests. It can be hard to mingle at a mixer that is just a wide-open social event like a business dinner or an association event. 

But if you can find events or activities geared toward your interest, it provides a strong foundation to connect and make conversation. For example, if you’re a young parent, an avid hiker, or a birdwatcher, perhaps you can join a group at work focused on similar interests. 

Common experiences create opportunities to bond, and friendship flows naturally from mutual interests, but it’s also easier to make conversation when you have a starting point based on commonalities.

Find your people through common interests and shared activities. 

3. Focus on Tasks

For introverts, it can be tricky to make connections that feel less structured and come along with the ambiguity of simply socializing. But when you’re involved in a task with others, it can provide terrific opportunities to build relationships.

Ironically, the office can be helpful for introverts. When you’re at work, lean into the opportunity to chat with colleagues before a meeting or after. Or find task-based volunteer opportunities like packing sack suppers for a local charity that serves food-insecure kids or cleaning up parks for a charity that improves the environment.  

When you’re engaged in tasks with others, you naturally make conversation, cheer each other on, and get to know people. These interactions can be the basis of friendships and ongoing relationships.

Get involved when there are tasks to be accomplished and opportunities to work side-by-side with others.

4. Listen, Empathize, Be Curious

As an introvert, you’re probably good at listening. Lean into this tendency and be present with others. With all our distractions today, attention is a scarce resource. We especially value people who are available and paying attention to us. Emphasize this strength.

You can also focus on empathizing with others. Consider what others are thinking (cognitive empathy) as well as what they’re feeling (emotional empathy). When you empathize with others, it’s a fast-track to building relationships because others will sense that you’re in tune with them and this will build the relationship. “Empathy asks us to listen with curiosity about someone else’s experience and when we actively listen, we can’t help but create a connection,” says Maria Ross, author of The Empathy Dilemma.

Curiosity is indeed another element of making friends as an introvert. It’s easier to make conversation and create connections when you are genuinely interested in others. As people talk about a topic or share about themselves, ask follow-up questions and inquire about their experiences. You’ll want to share about yourself as well, so they don’t feel like you’re interviewing them, but also use curiosity to deepen your conversations.

Focus on behaviors like listening, empathizing, and learning more about people and these will make interactions easy and meaningful. 

5. Find Groups

Another great way to make friends and sustain relationships as an introvert is to depend on groups. Sometimes, if you’re one-on-one with someone else, it can feel more challenging to make conversation and keep the interaction flowing. But if you’re in a group, you can share the load and rely on others to help keep things moving.

Find groups you can join, like a book group or a walking group. If you can’t find a group, form your own. Start with a few people and get together for coffee and conversation once a month. Find moments of micro-joy in sharing stories and supporting each other. As you gain momentum with a few of you, add others to the group as well. Stay consistent and keep getting together so you can build relationships among group members. 

Be part of a group to share the process of connecting, relating, and interacting.

BE INTENTIONAL

Overall, you’ll be most successful making friends as an introvert when you’re intentional. According to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it takes about 60 hours to make a friend, so stay active with friends. Invite them for coffee, stay connected in your sailing club, and make time to connect when you’re working together on a project. 

But also embrace the alone time you value and be yourself. Make friends with yourself. Everyone doesn’t have to be an extrovert, so appreciate who you are and your own unique strengths as an introvert.