Trump promises largest quagmire operation in US history

WASHINGTON — During his annual State of the Union address to Congress on Wednesday, President Donald Trump promised Americans that he would carry out the “largest quagmire operation in U.S. history” following the launch of a war against Iran.

“We will have a big, beautiful, never-ending war,” Trump said. “It will be the longest and largest ever. Nobody has ever done quagmire like we’re going to do quagmire. The generals tell me that.”

The campaign, tentatively titled Operation War Like Nobody’s Ever Seen, will reportedly combine a massive air assault, multi-division ground invasion, and an undefined end state described by officials as “winning eventually.”

Pentagon planners confirmed the operation would resemble the early stages of the war in Afghanistan but would be “far more tremendous” and “substantially less thought through.”

“We have so many planes, ships, and troops in the region right now,” Trump said. “Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. It’s incredible. And this time, we’re staying.”

Defense officials clarified that “staying” means maintaining an indefinite troop presence until Iran becomes “a stable democracy, a friendly oil partner, or both.”

“Our models suggest a modest commitment of 140,000 troops for roughly a generation,” said Dr. Meredith Klein, an analyst with the RAND Corporation. “The key variable is whether Iran resists. If they don’t, we could be out in under 25 years.”

Senior planners acknowledged privately that the operation has no clear political objective but stressed that objectives can always be defined retroactively.